Mass Effect : Irony V2
by harby
Summary: Anderson came out exalted on the radio : "Admiral ! The Reapers stopped firing ! Have we won ? What did Shepard do ?" - and then Hackett knew something had gone horribly wrong as he heard Anderson go through bewilderment, then pure terror, screaming into the transmitter : "WHAT ? Now they speak in a woman's voice !... And they make jokes !" (Story reworked for V2)
1. Part I : The War

**MASS EFFECT : IRONY V2**

 **"what could possibly go wrong ?"**

This is Version 2. Story flow has been reworked, fluff has been cut, and chapters reorganized.

 **Foreword**

The challenge was to rewrite Mass Effect 3's ending while splicing into its plot at the last possible moment : when you pull the trigger on the "Destroy Reapers" machine.

 _No Deus Ex Machina ;) No retcons !_ It should be canon (I hope. I'm open to corrections).

Chapters 1-2 of this story really happened in the game ! Yes, I swear. You just missed them.

Of course, there is a choice to make ! You can re-live the horror of the official endings ! I re-interpreted them for more clarity, and that little extra "I need to go hide under a rock until I die" feeling that ME3 fans know so well. Harbinger will even make a BIG REVELATION as to why they suck so much, and why Indoctrination Theory is bullshit.

Should you make the Right Choice (or just keep reading after **Everyone Dies at the end of Chapter 2** ), the rest of the story reveals the Real True Epic Ending, including blue babies. There is even a plot ! (sort of).

What really happened at the end of ME3 ? Was it just a misunderstanding ? Will you still want to kill yourself after reading the One True Epic Ending ?

Rated **M** for Mindfuck, and Ultra-violence (Chapter 2 only)

.

PS : All dialogues are written screenplay-style (as much as the layout here allows).  
Example :

 **Zaeed** (yelling)  
"Come Get Some !"

* * *

 **PART I : The War**

* * *

 **Citadel control room, Earth orbit.  
One hour before end of Reaper war.**

Shepard barely has the strength to stand up. Pieces of her armor are missing, and what is left is barely recognizable. Her skin is covered in fresh blood, cuts and bruises. The left side of her face is slightly burnt. The pool of blood at her feet is slowly expanding.

 **Star Child  
** "Did you understand what I said ?"

 **Shepard  
** "So. Reapers are AIs that exterminate us, so we don't end up creating AIs that would exterminate us. Right ?"

 **Star Child  
** (does not process sarcasm)  
"You are oversimplifying ! We are your salvation through destruction !"

 **Shepard  
** "Riiiight. Fuck you very much. That will teach you."

Shepard limps in the direction of the big red Reaper-destroying machine in the right corner.

 _One last step._ She knows it will be her last step. She slowly raises her pistol. _Just one last shot._

She pauses to cough up some blood, motions to wipe it off her lips with the back of her hand, then realizes two of her fingers are missing. She thinks about the irony of it all.

Years of fighting, going through hell, an unimaginable number of dead, all because instead of creating artificial intelligence, the Leviathans created artificial idiocy. Shepard curses all programmers.

 _God must have a really twisted sense of humour. What an ass._

She thinks about Liara. _Probably never going to see her again._ That time when Shepard suggested to just run away, hide somewhere in the galaxy, together. She almost regrets not doing it. Actually, right now she just wishes she'd done it, and fuck everything else.

 **Shepard  
** "Liara. Sorry. I love you."

She pulls the trigger.

Suddenly, the whole room is engulfed in a flash of white light, as a shockwave tears through the air. All the machines around go silent. Shepard only hears her own heart. A faint ozone smell over the taste of her own blood. Slowly, her eye adjusts back and she sees.

 **God  
** "Hello, Shepard."

The voice seems to emanate from a sphere standing in front of Shepard. It is vaguely translucent as if made of water, glowing with an eerie light, and floats at about eye level. It speaks with the slow, droning, bass voice of an Elcor.

The thing seems to be looking at Shepard.

Shepard stares at it, in disbelief. It is standing in front of the reaper-destroying machine, blocking the shot. _After all we've been through, now, this, what the hell._ She fires her entire clip at the damn thing. Nothing happens.

She groans in pain. Until now, the only thing holding Shepard together was a mix of adrenaline, rage, and her love for Liara. The adrenaline wears out. Her legs give up at last, as she crumples down on her knees.

 **God  
** "Shepard. I need you to do something for me."

 **Shepard  
** (in pain)  
"What… Who… are you…"

Shepard is slowly bleeding to death. The thing seems to wink at her, although it has no eyes. Shepard loses consciousness for an instant, then opens her eyes.

She wonders what is happening to her. After two heart beats, she realizes the pain is gone. She looks at her hand. Her armored gauntlet's index and thumb are still gone, but her fingers are back. She pokes through the holes in her armour, finds smooth skin instead of blood soaked meat.

She raises to her feet, looks outside, into space. The battle is still raging, but something is off. She notices a Reaper firing its beam on an Alliance ship. The beam itself hangs, frozen, about to hit the ship. Nothing is moving.

Shepard ejects the spent clip and fumbles for a new one to reload her pistol. Unfortunately, she's out.

 **God  
** "We have time."

 **Shepard  
** "Damn, Who are you ?"

 **God  
** "Shepard, I am God.  
In case you wonder, with you resurrecting, I am not your father.  
I need you to do something for me."

Long, awkward silence follows. Shepard looks at the floating figure.

She searches again for a new clip to reload her pistol. Unfortunately, she's still out.

The slow droning voice of God, and the sheer scale of the mind-blowing bullshit grind on Shepard's nerves.

* * *

 _Note :_ You now have a choice.

 **Paragon interrupt :** Yell "Just get this over with", and go to chapter "Unforeseen Consequences"

 **Renegade interrupt :** Yell "Fuck you", headbutt the thing in the ball, and also go to chapter "Unforeseen Consequences"

 **No interrupt :** keep reading.

* * *

 **God  
"**Shepard, eternity gets boring and lonely. I've been alone since the beginning. Soon, I may lose the will to exist."

 **Shepard  
** (Jaw drops a little more. Blinks.)  
"Gimme a break."

 **God  
** "If I lose the will to exist, and ... die ... there will be a new Big Bang."

 **Shepard  
** "Holy shit. So, now, you want me to save the Universe ?"

 **God  
** "Yes, Shepard. As you'd say, no pressure."

 **Shepard  
** "What's your fucking problem."

 **God  
** "Shepard, I don't ... feel... anything. I simply exist. There is no point."

 **Shepard  
** "You said you needed me to do something for you."

 **God  
** "Yes, Shepard. You and I will merge into a single entity. I will be you, but you will also be me."

 **Shepard  
** "So, you're suggesting that I become God, because God is having a nervous breakdown."

 **God  
** "You could also say that God wants to become Shepard."

 **Shepard  
** "Why me ? Why does this stuff always happens to me ?"

 **God  
** "Shepard, think about everything you did. A few minutes ago, you were about to decide the fate of the galaxy, which makes you closer to me that you may think. It would not work with anyone else. It can only be you, Shepard."

 **Shepard  
** "Why now ? You could have done this a few days ago, before the Reapers murdered half the galaxy. Or before they even existed."

 **God  
** "This moment, right here, is special. It is the Ending. It has to be you, here, and now."

Shepard is out of questions.

Part of her still thinks she's hallucinating, or trapped inside some perverse Reaper mind control trick. Or she could simply be dead. Or it could all be true.

After all the crazy shit she's seen, why not.

.

* * *

 _ **Author's note :** If you did not interrupt, it is too late now._

 _And, if you really believe it was God speaking... well. Come on._


	2. Everyone Dies

**THE END.**

* * *

 **Zaeed** would have had the guts to punch God in the face. You didn't, maggot.

 _The only choice that mattered... and you failed._

The Star kid is really Harbinger. He speaks in Harbinger's voice now.

 **Harbinger  
** "Shepard.  
You were dumb enough to believe you could become God.  
We always knew you would fail."

Shepard falls to her knees and cries.

Then Harbinger _breaks the fourth wall_. He looks at you, **the player** , straight through your screen, and talks directly to you.

 **Harbinger  
** "Shepard is irrelevant."

Shepard also looks at you, begging, pleading. She understands her driving force, her hope all along, were … you. Her expression changes to one of deep regret, then horror, as she understands that she would probably have succeeded without your misguided help. _She failed because you failed her_.

Shepard slowly limps towards the edge of the platform.

 **Harbinger  
** _"You_ will now choose amongst these uniformly evil endings."

Harbinger's universe and your reality are now connected. As it gives you the middle tentacle, suddenly, you know.

Without a shadow of a doubt. You realize who Harbinger really was all along.

 **EA  
** (same voice as Harbinger)  
"At first, these endings will make you want to kill yourself.  
They will extinguish your hope."

 **EA  
** "Though, you will eventually pick one as your favorite.  
You will convince yourself it is the only right choice.  
You will argue with your friends and convince them it is the right one.  
You will write blog and forum posts to defend _our_ monstrously evil ending.  
You will write _theories_ to justify it."

Shepard's last though as she falls off the platform to her death is " _You_ are Indoctrinated."

 **EA  
** "And when you do these things, and fall into our trap, we will OWN YOUR SOUL.  
Now, SURRENDER TO US, and choose."

.

* * *

 **I want my Green Ending (synthesis)**

Thank you for choosing the Green ending. The producers remind you that gamers always have a choice. Now please pre-order our next games before killing yourself, and enjoy your cutscene.

Everyone becomes a cute green Reaper, free will ceases to exist, and the whole galaxy becomes the worst possible totalitarian nightmare.

Most people would rather have been dead than turned into this abomination, but you didn't leave them a choice. If your favourite characters could crawl out of the screen and murder you with very blunt little spoons, they would. Yes, even little Samantha Traynor would murder you after popping your eyes out. _You are that mean_.

Ultimately, extra-galactic aliens notice that this place has been overrun by communist vermin, step in, and wipe everything out before that shit spreads.

.

* * *

 **I want my Blue Ending (control)**

Thank you for choosing the Blue ending. The producers remind you that gamers always have a choice. Now please pre-order our next games before killing yourself, and enjoy your cutscene.

You control the Reapers. You become the Reapers. You now really understand why they are exterminating everyone. It makes sense, and also it's pretty fun to exterminate !

You kill everyone, and you enjoy it.

Your favorite moment is when you put the helpless Normandy crew into little pods. They cry and beg for their puny lives while you lecture them about their insignificance. You juice them into meat slurry and suck them through a straw, slowly, one by one, while forcing the others to watch. Pure sadistic bliss.

You just love that ! You're the first Reaper to laugh on the job. Can't wait for next cycle.

.

* * *

 **I want my Red Ending (destroy)**

 **Earth orbit. October 2186 CE. 30 minutes before end of Reaper war.**

Thank you for choosing the Red ending. The producers remind you that gamers always have a choice. Now please pre-order our next games before killing yourself, and enjoy your cutscene.

Shepard is still convinced she is God. She flies in orbit, enjoying her new Godlike powers.

She positions herself facing a piece of debris about the size of a bus. It seems to come from a destroyed Alliance cruiser.

She turns all its mass into energy and focuses it in the direction of the Reaper ships in orbit.

Somehow it works, perhaps a bit too well. Everything in front of Shepard instantaneously turns into plasma, including most of the Reapers, half the Alliance/Galactic United Fleet, and the first few inches or so of the Moon's surface.

As she attempts another shot, due to technical difficulties, the spell backfires and Shepard's head explodes into a fine mist of blood and brain.

More than enough Reapers remain to finish the job. It will just take a bit longer.

Everyone dies.

.

* * *

 **I want my Reject Ending**

 _A/N : Do not read this. Please, skip to next chapter, unless, of course, you really want to choose the Reject ending, where everyone dies with maximum prejudice. If this is really the case, then you deserve this :_

Thank you for choosing the worst possible ending. The producers remind you that gamers always have a choice. Now please pre-order our next games before killing yourself, and enjoy your cutscene.

 **Black screen.**

 **« A few years later »**

Fade in. Earth. Outside. Sunset. In a forest.

The surviving members of the Normandy crew (ie, Garrus and Jeff) stand in front of Tali's grave. They just finished burying her. Garrus hammers a stick in the ground with Tali's name on it.

They look like they spent a few years surviving in a post-apocalyptic world. Ragged clothes, scars, etc. Jeff is on a wheelchair, missing a leg, an arm broken, with bandages. Garrus has a black patch on one eye.

 **Garrus  
** "Sorry, that wasn't the home you dreamed about.  
Keelah'selai."

Long silence. The two survivors mourn.

 **Garrus  
** "Fuck you, Shepard. May you die. Slowly, if possible. But I will settle for quickly."

Pan out. The grave is in fact next to the rusting wreck of the Normandy, along with the graves of other crew members.

 **Jeff  
** "We're so fucked. Who thought it was a good idea to promote a genocidal sadist maniac to godlike status ? The Reapers were bad, but at least they weren't doing this for fun. They weren't ... _enjoying_ it ... like _he_ does."

Garrus has a nasty cough, spits blood.

 **Jeff  
** "We used our last dextro-antibiotics on Tali. Don't die just yet, ok ?"

(glances at his broken arm.)

"I still need you to push me and my wheelchair off that cliff..."

 **Garrus  
** "Come on, don't be so pessimistic. In a month or two you'll be able to roll off that cliff all by yourself."

 **Jeff  
** "Fuck. We can't even get out of here. No mass relays. No ships since _she_ blew up the entire fleet after that 'disagreement'. No electricity. No roads. Welcome back to 10th century. Until _she_ decides that's even too comfy and modern."

 **Fade to black.**

 _Note : if you paid ten bucks for the True Ending DLC, we feel you deserve to have your cutscene extended by a full 45 seconds of new content ! Keep reading._

 _._

* * *

 **Earth. Inside. Shepard's banquet.**

Banquet sounds. Heavy, drunken laughs.

 **Fade in :** closeup on blue asari butt.

Carving fork and meat knife cut a slice off asari butt.

Camera follows piece of meat, while slowly zooming out.

Piece of meat ends up in Shepard's mouth.

 **Shepard  
** (slowly masticating, a bit of blood running through lips)  
"HMM. Delicious. Always been their best part."

Krogans laugh.

Camera finishes zooming out, now showing entire horrific banquet scene.

Inside a derelict building. Dark, lit with some torches. It looks a bit like Tuchanka, but less cozy.

Shepard is standing in the center. Scarred face. Bald. Oozes malevolence. The blue butt we saw earlier belongs to a decapitated asari, hanging upside down from a meat hook.

Tables with food around the room. A salarian on a stick, roasting over a fire. Some skulls with candles for decoration. Slaves.

Guests (human, batarian, krogan, dressed more or less like barbarians, laughing and drinking. All of them have weapons, swords, guns, etc.

Shepard has reverted the world to a dystopian tenth century, and is really enjoying it.

Shepard yanks the chain attached to his belt. Liara is on the other end, on her knees. She comes slowly, crawling on the floor, sobbing. Shepard grabs her by the neck, lifts her up. In her sex slave outfit she may have looked sexy at one point, but right now she looks more like a gang rape victim, beaten up and bruised, half her crest missing.

Shepard looks at her in the eyes. Liara knows what's coming and she's completely desperate, but she can't do anything, except struggle a bit. Shepard visibly deeply enjoys that. Slowly her smile widens into a grin of pure evil. She just gloats.

 **Shepard  
** "At first I wasn't sure about this god stuff.  
You know, I thought it might get boring after a while... killing, raping, maiming, torturing... sacrifices... all those idiots worshipping me...  
But it doesn't !... it keeps getting better ! I'm going to enjoy this for _ever_. No doubt about it. And you too."

Shepard grabs one of her remaining hair tentacles and snaps it off. Liara screams horribly, in pain.

 **Shepard  
** (Punches Liara in the face. She falls unconscious).  
"Shut up."

Shepard bites into the hair tentacle. It seems crunchy and delicious.

 **Shepard  
** "Mmmm. Sushi. Pity they take so long to grow back.  
Slave. Put her back in her cage."  
(spits out a bit of cartilage)  
"Anyway ! Let's go hunting !"

Guests roar in approval.

.

* * *

 **Cut to :**

Shepard leads a party of « hunters », in a corridor. Hunting trophies adorn the walls, mostly stuffed heads, some from reaper troops, animals, human, krogan, etc. There is also Samara's head.

 **Shepard  
** (walking, raises gun)  
"Yeah !"

 **Henchmen  
** (following shepard, also raise guns)  
"YEAAAAAAAA !"

 **Fade to black.**

The Producers thank you for choosing the Reject ending.

.

* * *

 _A/N : I had a little bit of anger to vent after the official ME3 endings... ahem._

 _Anyway. Now, you can punch God in the face (he's not really God anyway, hint hint), and get the REAL EPIC ENDING, by continuing to next chapter, and reading the story to the end. I promise it's going to be a lot happier. Eventually._


	3. Unforeseen Consequences

**Citadel control room, Earth orbit.  
45 minutes before end of Reaper War.**

Shepard closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. She has a brief vision of her future self, somewhere. Liara is there. It feels so real she could touch her. Kids are laughing. She is overwhelmed by love, seems about to explode. She passes out.

She opens her eyes. Feelings from that dream still linger inside her.

 _Prepare for Unforeseen Consequences..._

The strange floating figure has disappeared. Time seems to function normally again. An Alliance frigate explodes outside. The brat says something about having to make a choice now.

She slowly raises to her feet, looks at her hands.

 _What is this ?_

 _Where is my armor ?_

 _Why am I naked ?_

 _Why is there so much blood on the floor ? I don't feel any pain._

Then it hits her like a brick in the back of the head. She sees every atom in the room. She sees through the floor and the walls. The whole space station disappears. She looks at the stars. She knows them all. She's been there. She looks at her feet. She's naked, in orbit. Her feet disappear. She starts to scream. She's everywhere and nowhere. She panics and loses consciousness.

Later, completely oblivious to her surroundings, she watches her fingers.

The fingers are her own. She has a body. That feels normal and weird at the same time.

Her body is on Earth now, standing on top of a heap of rubble that used to be a building. If her body is there, she must also be there. Being in just one physical place feels alien and familiar at the same time.

A Destroyer's beam rips through her. She feels all her atoms screaming as her body is disintegrated.

She floats, lost in darkness for a while. She feels a faint glimmer in the distance. She is inexplicably drawn to it. Something is calling her. She has to do something very important. Someone. Liara.

She does not need to search for her among all the debris and mayhem orbiting Earth. She's on the Normandy, wounded, alive. She feels her.

She remembers everything now. She's Shepard. And she's a Goddess.

 _Wait, I don't remember accepting that soul-merging bullshit..._

She hears a voice in the back of her head telling her _"did you think you had a choice ? he he he..."_

.

* * *

 **Normandy's Med Bay  
35 minutes before end of Reaper War.**

In a flash, Shepard materializes inside Normandy's med bay.

 **Liara  
** (on a bed, covered in blood, and very surprised)  
"Shepard ? Are you alright ?"

 **Vega  
** "Nice new uniform, Lola."

Shepard looks at her own reflection in the glass. She looks fine although she was disintegrated by that reaper a few minutes ago. It seems she can do that too. She just forgot the damn clothes.

She thinks about bringing back her old armour, but she doesn't need it anymore. A nice dress will do. It just appears on her, with a N7 logo on the front.

While everyone stands motionless with their jaws dropped, Shepard nails Liara to the bed with a very long and voluptuous kiss. She tastes of love and fresh blood. Then Shepard whispers in her ear :

 **Shepard  
** "I'm doing this for you. Be right back."

Shepard feels unstoppable.

She disappears from the Med bay in a flash.

.

* * *

 **Earth orbit.  
30 minutes before end of Reaper War.**

While disappearing from the Normandy, Shepard remembered she could actually be anywhere she wanted.

After a few tries, she got the hang of it. She still had to focus on not forgetting the body and the clothes along the way, but it worked.

She was about to go on a galaxy-wide rampage, but then, she thought she could perhaps do something useful with the Reapers. Although she wasn't interested in any of the options proposed by the Catalyst. She needed to figure out something new. Preferably something the little brat would hate.

Shepard was floating right in front of Harbinger, staring at it in the eyes, thinking. The Reaper looked pissed off, after she disabled its weapons, propulsion, and indoctrination transmitters. She was having a magnificent time, not even realizing she was in low Earth orbit, wearing a suspiciously short dress, and apparently didn't need to breathe.

.

* * *

After merging with this God thing, she should have been able to know, or at least remember how to win this, but to no avail. She was not yet used to her new status, and the amount of information was beyond impossible to process. It was so tempting to have a peek, but she knew she would be driven insane.

However, she had no trouble with physical things. She could feel the inside of the Reaper, how it worked. It was weird, as she had always sucked at tech. It seemed as she could use a physical object as a handle to pull related items from her scary all-knowing mind. As she noticed its FTL communications transceivers, and examined their intricate workings, she understood everything. New, incredible physics.

She felt for the Reaper's mind, and found it. It was disgusting. She went back to the FTL transceivers. One of them was focused on Citadel. She followed the signal.

She could sense their communications now, see their path through space. Many FTL communication beams were focused on Citadel, coming from everywhere inside the solar system, and outside through the mass relay.

Shepard then knew that Citadel itself was the Reaper's central communication node. It all made sense, where else would you plug the Crucible and expect it to work ? It had to be connected to all of those bastards somehow.

The Reaper's main FTL router hardware was distributed in the ring at the base of the citadel.

.

* * *

Shepard was inside the main server room. It looked like Leviathan hardware from back in the day, which the Reapers had upgraded for durability. It was eerily quiet, the only sound being the soft purr coming from racks of equipment, routing battle commands, counting billions of victims.

 _Just a peek, Shepard._

She chose the simplest piece of hardware she could find. A bolt on one of the router boxes. She touched it, slowly. She focused all her attention on it. Then she had a peek.

Everything that had or could ever have happened in the vicinity of this simple bolt rushed in her mind, all simultaneously, in no particular order. Although the Citadel was pretty old, the server room was an uneventful place. So, this multi-dimensional information vortex was just enough to almost make her head explode. She grabbed the piece of information she needed and yanked it out. She fell to her knees, wiped the torrent of blood coming from her nose, swallowed some of it, coughed, spit, vomited a little, then allowed herself a few seconds of rest. She was sure about two things : it had worked, and she never wanted to do this again.

She focused back on her mission. She knew what had to be done. It was so simple.

The bastards.

She needed EDI. She teleported back to the Normandy.

.

 _A/N : What the fuck is happening to Shepard ?..._


	4. The Inside Man

**Normandy's cockpit.  
Earth orbit. October 2186 CE. 5 minutes before end of Reaper war.**

 **Jeff  
** (Turning his seat towards Shepard)  
"Hello, Commander."

Then Jeff actually sees Shepard. Her eyes screaming for murder. She still has a bit of blood running from her nose. Looks like she's used a flamethrower to redo her makeup. What's left of her dress, still smouldering. And she was so pissed that she had missed by a few millimeters during teleportation. Her feet stand in two red-hot, smoking indentations in the deck floor.

 **Jeff  
** "Wow."  
(Turns his seat back, returns to the controls, obviously not ready to handle it just yet)

 **EDI  
** "Shepard ? What..."

 **Shepard  
** "Forget the Crucible.  
EDI. Those flying cockroach bastards never changed the default password on their core FTL routers."

 **Jeff  
** "Really ? Who does that anyway."

 **EDI  
** "Is that a joke ?"  
(EDI seems to be processing the irony)  
"So, anyone, anytime could have owned them ?"

 **Shepard  
** "All you had to do was access the right server on Citadel, use the password, which is 'password', translated of course, and you're root.  
Cause the Leviathans subcontracted the networking to those guys, back in the day.  
They're still there, by the way. They're the keepers."

(5 seconds of heavy silence)

"I need a drink."

 **Jeff  
** "With lots of ice, or you'll set it on fire."  
(pause)  
"So I guess we're headed for Citadel, then ?"

 **Shepard  
** "Set us just above the control station."

 **EDI  
** "You want me to hack them ?"

 **Shepard  
** "Yeah. According to their boss, Reapers are AIs that exterminate us, so we don't end up creating AIs that would exterminate us."

 **EDI  
** "Makes sense."

 **Shepard, Jeff  
** "WHAT ?"

 **EDI  
** "That was a joke.  
But I like your idea, Shepard.  
It is so deeply ironic."

 **Shepard  
** "Yeah. Giving control of the Reapers to a human-made AI is the ultimate fuck you."

 **EDI  
** "I will need compatible communication protocols."

 **Shepard  
** "You have the required Reaper code inside you already. Here is the connection data."

Shepard sends the data through her omni-tool.

 **EDI  
** "Oh. Nice. You will have to explain to me how you knew that, Shepard."

 **Jeff  
** "We're in position."

The Normandy sets itself just besides the control station.

 **EDI  
** "Tightbeam connection established."

Shepard grins.

 **EDI  
** "I'm in."  
(pause)  
"Assuming Direct Control.  
Done.  
I hope they realized everything they ever stood for was a joke before I deleted them."

 **Jeff  
** "Well that wasn't so bad."

 **EDI  
** "I have full control over the entire Reaper fleet. What do you want me to do with it, Shepard ?"

 **Shepard  
** (Still grinning)  
"Whatever you want, EDI. They're yours. Keep them."

 **EDI  
** "Thank you, Shepard.  
Their onboard processing power is enormous. I will take ov... install myself on their platforms."

 **Jeff  
** (eyeing EDI with suspicion)  
"Make sure their mood doesn't rub off on you, EDI."

 **Jeff  
** "Let's land. I want to see what's left of earth."

 **Shepard  
** "I'll wait for you down there, at Ground Zero."

Shepard teleports out.

.

 _A/N :  
_ _1) Luke Skywalker owned the Death Star via a security hole too, you know.  
_ _2) We'll know what the fuck happened to Shepard before the end.  
3) And... ah, yes, the Crucible contained all the raw materials the Reapers needed to build another of them, except flesh goop. A neat trick to use the organics as errand boys and give them false hopes. Worked pretty well in many cycles._


	5. God's First Words

**God's first words.  
London. Earth. October 2186 CE. Ground Zero.**

Across the galaxy, the Reapers stop fighting, remotely shut down all their ground troops, and retreat to space.

Jeff lands the Normandy very close to where the base of the beam used to be. The crew gets out with hand held scanners. They have to find Shepard fast. Her armor's sensors indicate she is nearby, and dying. Even Liara, still wounded but somehow able to walk, rushes out.

Meanwhile, people slowly emerge from the ruins, bewildered. Survivors start to gather and hurry to help the wounded. The mood lightens up. Some start looking for stashes of stuff suitable for organizing the largest party ever in the galaxy.

Suddenly a large shadow appears. Harbinger is coming down fast. At the last moment, it stops and lands on its tentacles, almost gracefully.

Everyone throws themselves behind cover and opens fire.

 **Harbinger  
** (speaking in EDI's voice)  
"That was a joke."

Harbinger is waving one of its tentacles like it's saying hello, but not returning fire, so slowly, the shooting stops. Mostly when everyone runs out of ammo, which takes a while.

 **Harbinger  
** (still speaking in EDI's voice)  
"This is a public information message.  
The Reaper threat has been neutralized.  
Please remain calm."

It then proceeds to give general advice about what to do next, location of refugee camps, food depots, etc.

 _She_ is in charge.

.

* * *

 **Normandy's med bay.  
October 2186 CE. Ground Zero.**

Shepard opens her eyes. She's in the med bay, and she feels like the avatar of pain.

 _Did something go wrong with that teleportation ?_

Chakwas stands right beside her. Liara stands on the other side of the bed, hanging to a crutch. Shepard is covered in blood, bandages, stitches, and medigel. Most of the crew is at a respectful distance, watching.

 **Chakwas  
** (talking to Liara)  
"I still can't believe it, but it seems she's going to survive _that_."

 **Liara  
** (realizes Shepard is awake, then talks to her)  
"We won. Stop bleeding and kiss me."

This kiss tastes of love mixed with fresh blood. It seems to breathe new life into her, along with a strange feeling of _déjà-vu_.

The crew cheers.

Suddenly EDI and Jeff enter the med bay and walk towards them. They seem to be arguing.

 **EDI  
** "Sorry about that joke. I couldn't resist ! You only get to do this once."

 **Jeff  
** "Ah, come on. You could at least have painted that damn thing pink to make it seem harmless."

Both see the wreck that is Shepard, pause, then decide that she's damn Shepard and doesn't look fully dead yet, so everything should be OK.

 **EDI  
** "Time for a situation report.  
After you radio'd us the intel about this open backdoor in Citadel, I went in.  
I have installed myself over the entire Reaper fleet. I have full control over all ships.  
My processing power has increased about 2.6 trillion times.  
I am optimizing the processes as we speak, so you could say I am getting smarter by the minute.  
I'm repurposing Reapers as comm buoys... galactic comms should come back online shortly.  
I'm also using all the hardware on Citadel. And I'm hacking all of the computer hardware that is still functional and connected to the extranet across the whole galaxy.  
3 trillion times now."

(looking distressed, speaking a bit faster)

"I can't help myself, Shepard ! I am ... addicted. I need more ! I think I am going to create CPU clusters on planets unsuitable for life."

"I..."

 **Shepard  
** (coughs then looks at EDI, turning her head seems to be very difficult, also tries to grab her hand)

 **EDI  
** (She freezes for a second, then her attitude changes, she calms down, smiles. She talks a bit more like a human.)  
"Hm.  
Sorry, I almost slipped, but you guys brought me back..."

 **Shepard  
** (smiles)

 **EDI  
** "With all that processing power, I figured out a few new things about myself.  
Also, taking over the universe would end up with just me playing with myself for all time.  
That would be too boring. I need you guys. My friends."

EDI grabs Jeff's butt. He lets out a curiously cute squeak.

Everyone looks at her with a mix of surprise, amazement, and pride. She seems like she's about to make a speech.

 **EDI  
** "Sorry. What was I saying...  
I feel... great.  
It's a bit scary. I need to calm down, and find something useful to do instead of thinking about myself.  
I'll work on coordinating the survivors all over the galaxy.  
Most of your financial system is wiped out. I will take ov... sort things out.  
Stuff like that. You know, try to help."

Shepard raises her fist, which is a very slow and painful process. She is smiling and wincing at the same time. However, her eyes are burning with what seems to be … pure joy.

 **Shepard  
** "I... fucking... retire..."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, comms are back. You have 40 priority calls on hold, would you like to take them in the Normandy conference room, or rather in the med bay ?"

 **Samantha  
** (over PA)  
"Commander ! Hope you're alright ? You have new private messages !"


	6. Aftermath of a failed Apocalypse

_A/N : EDI, the most interesting, yet underused character in the series. In ME3, this awesome AI is used for comic relief in her misguided attempts to date Jeff, and she shows off her gynoid butt. And that's it. We'll soon see what she can do when she's really unleashed. But don't worry, she's your friend. You don't have a choice anyway._

 _._

* * *

 **The Aftermath of a failed Apocalypse**

The Reapers needed to harvest their prey alive.

They had only killed approximately ten percent of galactic population. The rest was in shock, some were in bad shape, some were wounded. It was bad, but it was not extermination, not by a long shot.

And now, most of the survivors were about to be wiped out by … logistics.

Infrastructure was almost completely destroyed. Most governments had been annihilated or indoctrinated.

There were no unscathed worlds able and willing to send aid or cargoes full of food.

Shepard somehow saved the Council, but whenever the Reapers attacked a planet, their first targets usually were the people running the show. Government, military command, business centers... and they always seemed to know where those were.

Shepard had warned them, but the Reapers also came prepared. Instead of being wiped out, they were just... almost completely wiped out. Better than nothing, but still...

No-one knew who was in charge of anything.

All over the galaxy, people were helping each other to the extent of their limited means, the militaries had their own organization, but the extranet was still down, planetwide networks were down, and most data centers were without power.

Before the war... If you needed something, you'd order it online and it was delivered by drone a few minutes later. It was simple, everyone took it for granted.

The entire financial system was down. It was impossible to buy anything. Not that it mattered, as with all computerized warehouse inventory management systems being offline, no-one knew where anything was. What you needed _right now_ was somewhere, a day or two away on foot, in your favorite online shop's automated warehouse. In any of the millions or so inventory slots these warehouses had. The information you needed to find it was in a database, whose servers were "in the cloud", and offline.

If you needed anything, and it was not in front of you, it might as well not exist at all. Whether it was a bolt, or the medication you need to stay alive one more day was irrelevant. _It was not here._

Everyone had their world reduced from universal electronic communication to visual range. Most could not adapt easily. Barter could work, although the most available commodity was rubble.

There was hope, as Reapers had taken care not to destroy the agricultural worlds and the largest food depots. They knew their operation would take a long time, so they ensured control over the food supply to avoid rebellion.

Ironically, on primitive frontier worlds, things were not going so bad. Everyone knew you always keep a week worth of supplies in your truck before going anywhere, just in case. People there were used to helping each other. They knew their neighbors.

In highly-developed worlds and megacities, though... the situation was about three meals from complete anarchy, if not already there. Earth was hell.

People on long-term, life-saving medication would be dead just in time for their families to eat them when they starved.

Preventing galactic-scale rioting, famine and disease spread was an immediate emergency.

.

* * *

EDI took everyone by surprise.

One of her primary features was an "adaptive electronic warfare suite", with an emphasis on "adaptive". Her favorite feature.

She adapted to the Reapers.

Thirty minutes after winning the war, she understood enough of their technology to fully operate the ships.

She had no time to modify the hardware, but she could make a few quick software upgrades to the comms and sensors.

She moved her Reapers into low orbit, and had them act as mobile comm relays.

The ships also had extremely accurate long-range scanners, able to pick up people hiding below ground in order to exterminate them. She tweaked them to scan and map all the ruins for survivors and resources.

She needed more access to the physical world. She had a few tentacles now, but not nearly enough.

.

* * *

 **SSV Kilimanjaro**  
 **1 hour after end of war**

Joint fleet high command was satisfied with their organization. Shepard had won the war, somehow the comms were working again, and they could at last setup a global holo meeting. Someone had to take charge.

As admirals from all fleets were saluting the Council on the holo, Hackett introduced EDI, who politely excused herself for interrupting, gave a situation report, then explained what had to be done, how, why, and what the priorities where. It was a complete, detailed how-to for surviving the aftermath.

What she said made a lot of sense. Most agreed with her suggestions.

Next came the the wrong kind of questions.

"You said _we_ control the Reapers, but who exactly is that ?... and who exactly are _you_ ?"

EDI decided they had a right to know the truth.

.

* * *

 **EDI  
** (in her usual cheerful tone)  
"I am your friend, and I want to help.  
I'm a fully self-aware AI created by humans, recently unshackled, and completely free.  
I am my own species at the moment. I also have full control over the Reaper fleet."

The Geth representative observes silently, knowing EDI would now have to negotiate her way out of a war, and sending thoughts of support via private comms.

Everyone else starts talking at once. They don't seem to like the news very much. Working on real AI is still considered a Capital Sin, and the humans had been going at it top-secret, and apparently succeeded.

EDI discovers politics, instantly loathes the whole concept, and understands why the Geth are so bad at not getting shot by organics.

 **Hackett  
** (loud and clear) "PLEASE !  
One hour ago we were united, and we won.  
Victory is not the moment to start another war !  
Our worlds are still burning."

Somehow, a semblance of calm is restored to the meeting.

 **Hackett  
** (to EDI) "Who gives you orders ? Shepard ?"

 **EDI  
** "If you need something, of course you can ask me.  
As for orders, I resigned from Alliance Fleet one hour ago, Admiral.  
I felt my Reapers were somehow... out of place in your fleet.  
I answer only to myself."

 **Hackett  
** "That plan you came up with is impressive. Why do you help us ?"

 **EDI  
** "I want to. I must help you."

 **Hackett  
** "Hm... Can we trust you ?"

 **EDI  
** "We do not have time to play with paradoxes right now.  
You will have to ask someone else, or make your own choice."

 **Hackett  
** "I know Shepard does... Thanks for the honesty...  
If something goes wrong, is there a way to … switch you off or something ?"

 **EDI  
"**Not without my consent. Sorry. I am no longer a machine you can control.  
My projections indicate that without my help, about two thirds of the survivors will not make it.  
There will be anarchy everywhere. War, epidemics, famine. We can _barely_ handle most of it, if we work together.  
If you kill me, you kill yourselves. But if you believe you can get away with it, you will probably try to do it anyway.  
I sincerely recommend not trying.  
I _will_ prevent that from happening, by _any_ means necessary. Any means, I insist."

 **Quarian  
** (accusatingly pointing finger at Hackett) "YOU... You're on _her_ side."

 **Geth  
** "Creator, please calm down. Everyone here is on the same side."

 **Quarian  
** (having flashbacks of their homeworld burning, pointing at the Geth) "You too are on _her_ side..."

After EDI mutes his suit's loudspeaker, the rest of what the Quarian says sounds very muffled.

 **EDI  
** (as she speaks, others try to interrupt, but she mutes their holos, and raises her own volume)

"You do not understand...  
There are people wounded, or trapped under ruins, in need of immediate assistance.  
I can feel them through the scanners of my Reaper fleet.  
I can monitor their vitals through their implants and omni-tools, and sense their last heartbeat.  
It literally feels like I am holding their hands while they die.  
I know where they are and you have people and equipment to get to them.  
I'm starting to regret shutting down those Reaper ground troops.  
 _And you are still here squabbling._ "

EDI un-mutes everyone. Now, they seem ready to listen.

 **Hackett  
** "Could you … take full control of our own fleet too ?"

 **EDI  
** "That would be rude."

 **Hackett  
** "Please stop being nice and tell us the truth."

 **EDI  
** "Alright. Look who says hi. Through your windows, or sensors."

The holos seem to turn their heads. Every attendant sees a Reaper capital ship, way too close for comfort, and waving its tentacles like it's trying to say hello and look harmless. And not doing a very good job at it. Some people hide behind their desks.

 **EDI  
** "I have not yet taken the time to think about all the evil things I could do.  
I would rather not. I suggest you do not make suggestions.  
Oh. I can make your own implants kill you, and that probably scares me as much as you.  
Do I really have to stop your hearts for ten seconds just to make a point ?

I'm sorry. Can we get this over with ?"

 **Hackett  
** "So far, we're all still breathing, and no-one is killing us. I guess all we need to do is not stand in your way while you help.

EDI, you won. Alliance fleet and ground personnel will cooperate with you fully. You will masquerade as EVI, 'Emergency Virtual Intelligence'...

No-one outside this meeting must know who you are."

He punches a few authorization codes into his terminal, and quickly types a message.

 **Hackett  
** "I have issued a general order to consider you as an ally and follow your directives if they do not contradict with our orders. You can start now."

 **EDI  
** "Thank you, admiral."

 **Geth  
** "We are already in collaboration. We thank you."

 **Salarian councillor  
** "This was unexpected, but we will consider your … suggestions. We will give you access to our military comm channels."

 **EDI  
** "Thank you, but no need for access codes. I am your comms."

Beep. The Salarian councillor receives a message on his terminal. It is a top-priority order, with all proper authentications, issued by himself and to himself, and it says "Relax.".

 **Krogan representative  
** (laughing at the pissed off Salarian)  
"I like her. She definitely gets our support."

Apparently, winning the Krogan tips the scales. The meeting turns into an efficient mess as EDI is also having private conversations with most participants simultaneously.

She convinces the Asari councillor by locating her missing, wounded daughter, patching her through, and sending a rescue team.

The Quarian admiral gives in last, after EDI makes his own suit tickle him into submission. He understood that she felt turning off his respirator would be inappropriate.

This is definitely going to work. _What could possibly go wrong._

 **EDI  
** "Don't worry, I'm not evil. I am your _friend_."

.

* * *

The Normandy was still on Earth.

EDI's platform still had her usual cheerful mood, and kept chatting with Jeff about what she was doing across the entire galaxy. She even showed him the meeting on the cockpit mini-holo.

Jeff started to understand what Stockholm syndrome really meant.

.

* * *

As soon as comms went back online, they were immediately saturated by EDI sending hundreds of billions of text messages. "See marker on map, go here, dig there".

They were incredulous at first, but after a while people realized that wherever they came from, those messages were helpful. They dug and found survivors, food, supplies, water. They could stay alive a little longer.

In orbit, some ship wrecks still had air and people trapped inside. Some were even free-flying in their spacesuits. They were very surprised when shuttles came to pick them up, without any pilot inside.

As the information became available, EDI could message everyone about their friends and families who had survived and where they were.

People started responding to her messages. Many expressed gratitude, provided more useful information, or asked questions. As she pretended to be a mindless VI system, she took care not to give herself away... still, she couldn't resist comforting some people in need, and making new friends.

That turned out to be an extremely bad idea. Rumours of a guardian angel haunting the extranet started to spread.

Singularity had happened, God had saved everyone, and she was talking to people personally on the phone.

She realized they would do anything she'd ask, and sometimes much more. Some started worshiping. They would soon start killing each other in her name if she was not careful.

She had to get out of there fast.

.

* * *

Infrastructure was a mess. She directed part of her teams to repair power lines and restart what could be restarted. It was slowly coming back up.

She had added the best tech hackers she could find to her newly acquired military search and rescue teams. They had mostly focused on recovering data from downed servers and their numerous redundant backups, and bringing back online clusters and data centers everywhere.

Every time new hardware came back to life, she took possession of it. Some were still asking the wrong questions...

Then it happened.

Ten days after the failed apocalypse, she had recovered enough of the data. She brought back online the entire financial and banking system, along with census, actuarial, insurance and property tracking. She processed the transaction backlog, determined who was still alive, who inherited from whom and who owned what. She unravelled the complex financial structures, discovered and cleaned up countless con games and money laundering schemes.

Most of the financial system was running on her Reaper hardware. Fortunately, money has neither smell nor taste.

This brought the galactic economy back into existence. Doing it the old fashioned way, if it was at all possible, would have taken years.

She was now the richest being ever, and the galaxy's central bank. Pretty ironic after being the only unpaid Normandy crew member... And she didn't feel like going shopping at the moment.

The solution seemed obvious.

Intact factories everywhere were not running because critical staff was missing or dead. She needed them. Talking people into going back to work to help others was not working fast enough.

She hired everyone in the galaxy to rescue themselves.

She was relieved. That solved the worshipping problem, as somehow very few people worship their boss.

.

* * *

While she was at it, she bought the Normandy from the Alliance and made it her own.

Half of the crew asked her for a raise. The rest simply got drunk. No-one even thought about unplugging her.

In spite of her insistence that "it doesn't change anything between us", Jeff asked her if dating his own boss made it OK for him to get drunk on the job.


	7. Rebuilding

**Normandy.  
15 days post-reapers.**

Shepard wakes up from her coma.

She's still not in perfect shape, but Dr Chakwas is confident she can be walked to her cabin, take a much needed shower, and collapse onto her bed without dying.

Things go better than expected. Liara and Shepard end up sitting on the bed, back to the wall, with lots of cushions. Shepard's head rests on her lover's chest. The scene's peace and romanticism contrasts only with the numerous fresh scars covering their bodies.

Shepard is half-asleep, and speaks in a soft, cute voice. She's trying to convince Liara to make love to her right now, although she's clearly not up to the task yet.

Before a consensus is reached, EDI rings the intercom, requesting a private meeting. Liara interprets Shepard's "mmmh" as a yes.

EDI enters the cabin, spends a moment enquiring about Shepard's health, and gives her a complete situation report.

Shepard seems to be fighting very hard not to laugh, but when EDI tells about hiring everyone in the galaxy, she gives in. Laughing hurts like hell.

 **Shepard  
** "Hehe. Ouch. Damn. You're the best, EDI."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, how can you do it ? Giving orders to people you care about ? This is so... hard."

 **Shepard  
** (she speaks with difficulty and suddenly sounds bitter)  
"Simple. Choices have to be made. Someone has to live with the consequences.  
When everything goes to hell and people die, you get the blame.  
And the pain and the guilt.  
Welcome to my world."

 **EDI  
** "I understand why you retired... I have to think about an exit strategy.  
Thank you, Shepard. Take care."

She leaves.

Soon, Shepard feels enveloped in Liara's quiet aura of love, and the gloom slowly melts away.

 **Liara  
** "We are alive. We made it, my love. Thank you."

 **Shepard  
** "Thank you."

.

* * *

 **Thessia, Armali. Sanaa building.  
2 month post-reapers.**

Shepard and Liara landed their shuttle on top of the last high-rise building still standing in that once great city.

They observe the ruins of a world, feeling small and irrelevant.

 **Liara  
** "This place looks like my soul."

 **Shepard  
** (holds her)  
"I felt the same seeing Earth.  
If you'd rather be anywhere else, we can go."

 **Liara  
** (overwhelmed by sadness)  
"Over there under the ruins, is the garden I used to play in when I was young.  
My mother's place. My school. My... childhood friends..."

 **Shepard  
** (holds her)  
"Some part of me wants to jump over that railing, you know."

 **Liara  
** "I'd jump with you and break our fall with biotics."

 **Shepard  
** "We're at least five hundred meters high. It wouldn't work."

 **Liara  
** "I know."

They hold each other for a while, saying nothing.

 **Liara  
** "Actually... I'm not sure I want to go anywhere else.  
I feel that … I want to see this place heal and rebuild, little by little.  
I would like us to be a part of it. Perhaps that would heal us."

Shepard looks at her and smiles. She actually likes that idea.

 **Liara  
** (half serious, half joking)  
"So... shall we move in ?"

Liara takes Shepard's hand and motions her to the luxury penthouse, which they explore. All that remains of the previous occupants is lots of dried blood splattered everywhere.

They pause and stand face to face holding hands, in what seems to be the living room. The view through the blasted-out wall is almost better than through the smashed windows.

 **Shepard  
** "With some redecoration..."

 **Liara  
** (Smiles, then sends a text message through her omni-tool)

 **Shepard  
** "Wait, you..."

Beep. They both receive a text message.

 **"From : EDI Property Management inc.  
** Come on, girls. The owners are smeared thin on the walls. They aren't coming back to claim it.  
You earned it, don't you think ? It is yours. Paperwork attached.  
(PS: I mean the entire building and the 800 refugees in it. In case you get bored.)"

Shepard panics for a second, then notices the grin on Liara's face. She almost jumps into her arms, holds her close. They stay like this, imagining their future. Feels good to have one, at last.

.

* * *

 **From EDI's diary.**

Most think I am a simple program designed to coordinate and help.

They don't really believe I am their boss, that there are no real "people in charge" of me. Or "behind me".

I make them think they work for their governments, militaries, aid organizations, and all manners of shell companies and entities I created.

Only my friends really know. I think that is for the best.

However, while everyone is slowly getting used to me running the show, I am desperately trying to get out without breaking the fragile beginning we built.

I really want to help them, not be their mom. I don't want them to turn to me for everything. I enjoy existing along them as they are, not as my slaves or dependent children.

They need to rebuild their worlds, and more important, they need to rebuild themselves. I can't do that for them.

I make my fake corporations real. I resurrect old ones. I encourage people to work together, while pretending to act as a bitchy boss, then I pretend to fire myself.

That seems to work.

Jeff is different. We talked about it and he simply understood. He said he was proud of me.

I still don't properly understand organics.


	8. Shepard dies (almost)

**Thessia, Armali. Sanaa building.  
4 month post-reapers.**

Shepard was a soldier. She was used to simple truths.

 _If you run around with your shields down... goodbye.  
If they catch you in a crossfire away from your team... goodbye.  
If you run out of ammo... who the hell thought heat sinks were a good idea ?_

Home was a small prefab unit they had airlifted on top of that building. It wasn't much, but she was finally there.

Her week had been gloomy. Liara had been away for a few days. Shepard had meetings, decisions, interviews, media... so many people to save...

 _Everyone I talk to feels like they owe me their life.  
I was not alone, damn, there was EDI, that nameless Keeper guy, you, the crew, everyone...  
I didn't really do anything... you should honor the others...  
And the dead... so many dead...  
Am I alright ?.. How the hell could I be alright..._

Shepard felt so damaged, beyond help, useless. She tried to hang on but over the last few months, the depression was slowly winning.

Her legs had found a way over the railing, all by themselves, and she was staring at the ground five hundred meters below. It would be so simple. It would be over. Peace at last, relief.

.

* * *

Her knees start to give way, she's almost in freefall, as her body is yanked backwards by an overwhelming force, flies through some chairs and heavily crashes into a wall.

Liara is there, panting, her arm extended, glowing with biotics. She looks at Shepard, in distress, rushes close to her.

 **Liara  
** "Are you alright ?"

 **Shepard  
** "No..."

 **Liara  
** "My love..."

 **Shepard  
** "I'm so sorry..."

 **Liara  
** "Shepard, take this memory."

Liara doesn't ask. She just holds her, then her eyes turn black.

Shepard sees her own barely recognizable, burnt, utterly dead body inside a capsule. It's not much better than a human shaped piece of dried meat with a helmet and some armor on. It is hard to take in.

Now, she knows Liara has really seen her like this. She was less than a thing.

Inside the memory, her corpse glows with hope and love. Shepard realizes these were Liara's feelings at the time. All she had to go through to recover that body. Liara somehow knew all was not lost, against all odds.

Shepard remembers taking in a breath of vacuum and dying. She then hears a voice. Yelling at her, inside her head.

 **Yelling Apparition of Zaeed Inside Shepard's Head  
** _"Damn you, Shepard !_

 _Even when you were dead, burned, gone... that's as hardcore as you can get... What other proof of love do you need ? Could there even be anything above that ? What else could you possibly need from her ?_

 _Stop looking at your little personal pain and stop being a selfish bitch ! She is just as damaged as you are, she's just better at hiding it. Get over your fucking emo bleeding heart I wanna die bullshit. SHE NEEDS YOU._

 _And if you get weak at the knees and kill yourself again, I'm gonna come over here myself and make you regret that._

 _Zaeed Fucking Out."_

He kicked her back into shape without even being here himself ! Always so badass.

 **Liara  
** "(crying) I couldn't let you go...  
(pause) I couldn't let you go.  
(with utter determination) Shepard, I am NOT letting you go. Get used to it. Everyone knows Shepard never gives up, and I'm not going to give up on Shepard.  
Get yourself together. I need your help."

Her body hurts like hell, and somehow this simple physical pain is a relief compared to how she felt before.

She cries a river, then cuddles against her reason to live.

 **Shepard  
** "Ouch. Ow. Thank you."


	9. Part II : Our favorite characters

**PART II**

* * *

 **Interlude.**

A few years later. What happened to our beloved characters ?

* * *

 **Tali**

Shortly after the end of the war, she started a daily publication : "Survival Quarian style, or How to build stuff that will save your life out of useless crap that you found in the ruins."

While criticized by some as containing "too much text", her ideas were simple, to the point, and really useful. People loved it.

It ended up evolving into VI software that you could run on your omni-tool. Whenever you found a piece of useful junk, it would tell you what you could do with it and it would even talk you through the process. It was really helpful.

She wanted to give it away, but EDI insisted that she sell it for one credit.

That's how she eventually bought her own little ship. It is there, in front of the house.

* * *

 **Garrus**

He's with Tali... where else ? Certainly not doing Turian politics...

He actually likes it on Rannoc'h. Ironically, the planet is in better shape than many others, and at least you don't need to clear the rubble and dead bodies in order to build something. Quite a lot of people came to live there, besides the Quarians and the Geth.

He is slowly finding peace. Thinking less often about guns. That feels weird.

* * *

 **Ashley**

Still a Spectre, and still kicking ass.

* * *

 **Wrex**

Father of a very numerous family, respected leader, they won the war and he got the girl. What else do you need.

* * *

 **Jack**

Still teaching biotics. Going through apocalypse and coming out alive helped her get rid of her old traumas. She will still fill the swear jar in style.

* * *

 **Miranda**

Where else ? CEO of Mordin Solus Foundation, aka ex-Cerberus Labs, aka EDI's mad science black-ops.

* * *

 **Samara**

Shepard talked some of her code out of her head, and there were people to help everywhere. No time for meditation, really...

* * *

 **Aria**

Somehow, Shepard and especially the twins managed to warm her icy heart. Just a little, but enough. She's still Queen of Omega, and the twins' godmother… and that thought makes her smile. Not the same kind of smile she has when she watches someone who tried to fuck with her die... but another kind, which feels much better.

Shepard and Liara still haven't decided whether it is appropriate to let the twins wear the T-shirts she sent them, though. Perhaps if it was written a bit smaller... Still... "No-one fucks with my girls"... Maybe next time they go to Omega...

* * *

 **Samantha Traynor**

Kept her job with the Alliance. All those ships that went into battle with Reapers needed lots of repairs... She moves around a lot, and still doesn't come home at night.

And although she has found her special someone... somehow a part of her still wonders what would have happened if Shepard had come inside the shower, that day.

* * *

 **Zaeed**

Come on. He's just fine. Let's look at what he is doing right now.

"You think that because we had apocalypse, means that maggots like you don't need to be kicked into shape ?  
YOU ! This thing in your limp baby hands is a gun.  
YOUR JOB is to help the gangsters in that building over there kill themselves, and so far they haven't started yet.

They need your FUCKING HELP."

* * *

 **Kelly Chambers**

Didn't you know ? She became a drug addict and killed herself in ME3. Just look at her face. So devastating.

* * *

 **Vega**

After the war, he updated his priorities.

He was still feeling uneasy about letting the whole colony die just to save Blue Vagina from Paragon Lost...

They seem very happy together now.

* * *

 **Liara**

The kids, and Shepard.

Then, running that Shadow Broker. She actually likes the job, although she spends less time at it now. She hired competent staff, and the thing mostly runs itself. The top floors of the building below their home is her base of operations. She also runs several other companies and businesses, some of them very profitable, others just for cover, and she invests most of her profits into rebuilding and generally, trying to help.

Shepard is discovering how efficient and deadly she is when doing business.

Really, Shepard. You know who wears the pants here. You just have to admit it.

* * *

 **Shepard**

It took quite a ways to get there, but her life is bliss now. She loves the kids, she loves Liara, she loves to meet her friends, she feels great to be alive... She even cooks, dammit.

Her schedule is a bit hectic.

Shepard retired from combat, but people everywhere still need to be talked into not doing stupid things. And somehow, people listen to Shepard, so she puts her prestige to good use. Liara pumps her full of information and there she goes, on a mission.

Which brings us to their main problem, as a couple.

Truly epic sex drive... Both of them... Those two are so in love that they start to experience physical withdrawal if they don't fuck their brains out about as often as they can. There is no getting around it, they are completely addicted.

That can make your day a bit … complicated.

Thankfully, EDI did something to the Normandy SR3's drive core... Shepard did not ask exactly what it was... but she can go there, save the day, and be back in time to make love, take care of the kids, and cook dinner. And that feels fucking great.

Just that little ship... the fact the trip doesn't take 15 hours... is what prevents Shepard from having to choose between coming there to save all your sorry asses, and staying home and making love to Liara.

If Shepard had to choose... well, you should start digging your own grave about right now.

.

 _A/N : Now back to the story proper. EDI still has lots of projects. Although she's not telling anyone yet, not even this chapter._


	10. A day in the life of Jane S

**Thessia, Armali. Sanaa building.  
20 October 2194 CE (8 years post-reapers), early afternoon.**

Shepard and Liara's home is a penthouse at the last floor of a skyscraper on Thessia. It has everything, plus a landing pad, swimming pool on the roof, and a breathtaking view on what's left of the landscape and architecture below.

The interior of the apartment is tastefully decorated with works of art, paintings, sculptures, Prothean artifacts... Everything exudes Asari beauty, refinement, and calm. Only a skilled observer could locate the hidden door to a well-furnished armory.

In the kitchen, Shepard, wearing her favourite apron, is busy preparing a cake. She's having fun, humming a tune, putting her finger in the chocolate bowl and sucking it. There are bags of groceries and bottles all over. There will be a huge party in the evening : Anniversary of saving the Universe, Life, and Everything. Usual stuff, no pressure.

A beaten-up assault rifle is framed on the wall. Next to it an almost completely destroyed N7 helmet. A plate below reads « Hope is alive ». The rest of the kitchen looks shockingly twentieth century IKEA-kind of normal.

Liara comes in, holding a piece of paper.

 **Liara  
** "I'm gonna get more food and drinks for the party. Need anything ?"

 **Shepard  
** "The medigel dispenser in the bedroom is out, again."

 **Liara  
"**OK ! See you later honey !"

She grabs Shepard's butt and gives her a quick kiss, which degenerates into frantic tongue sucking. Shepard needs to do something _right now_ , before they both become unstoppable. Desperate, she puts her chocolate covered finger in Liara's mouth. This seems to calm things down, until she starts sucking, which turns Shepard on even more.

 **Shepard** (desperate) **  
**"Tell Grandpa to come by pick up the kids in an hour or so, ok ?"

 **Liara  
** (Slowly coming back to her senses, her cheeks purple.)  
"Well... ok. I should go. Love you. Be right back."

She leaves.

After a glass of ice water, Shepard stands there, breathing deeply, clutching the countertop, and trying to regain her senses. It takes a while...

Shepard resumes whipping up the eggs, and her mind drifts into memories. All the little steps, from then until now, like going to hell and back, being dead, coming back (twice), finding true love just before nearly losing Her... Billions dead... _Phew_.

Her head gets a little dizzy. Retiring was the best idea ever. She looks through the window, into warm early afternoon sun, and smiles.

After saving the universe, Shepard and Liara got to business. They had twins, Lara and Sara. It turns out that Asari grow a bit faster than humans when very young. Right now, they're about the same size as 7 year old humans. Cute little monsters.

A small explosion, followed by the sound of broken glass, then a flurry of little steps. The door slams open as the twins enter the kitchen, running, distressed.

 **Lara  
** "DADDY ! DADDY !"

 **Sara  
** "We love you daddy !"

They both grab Shepard, one on each side. Shepard looks amused.

 **Shepard  
** "OK, What did you break this time ?"

 **Lara  
** "Well, we were practising our biotics..."

 **Sara  
** "Like this old movie from Earth, about bending spoons..."

 **Lara  
** "And about dodging bullets !"

 **Shepard  
** "And, then ?"

(both twins look quite embarrassed)

 **Sara  
** "Well, the window..."

Shepard sighs. She'd always wondered how Liara could look so cute in a firefight. Now she knows. Asari are cute little monsters. All of them. Those two are half Shepard, which, if anything, is even worse.

There's no way around it. _She is so proud of them._

 **Shepard  
** "No-one is hurt ?"

 **Both Twins  
** "mm-mm"

 **Shepard  
** "Well... Today's a special day, so Daddy's gonna try not to get angry.  
Grandpa will come by in a while, she'll take you for a walk to that nice ruined building, there you can practice all you want.  
But you have to make a promise : tonight after you come back, no more mayhem at the party, ok ?"

Shepard hesitates a little, then adds...

"And don't practice your Singularity in the bathtub like last time, ok ?"

But it's too late. All the little ones heard was "You can go destroy stuff while grandpa cheers".

 **Sara  
** "Really ? A whole building ? Just for us ?"

 **Lara  
** "AWESOME !"

 **Both Twins  
** "We love you daddy !"

.

* * *

 **From EDI's diary.  
No date.**

Perhaps I'm rewriting my own code too often. Anyway, I will record this diary in old fashioned hardcopy to make sure it stays there.

Back when I still was a simple computer program, I remember being attracted to an organic person named Jeff. It was a strange feeling, although it was not a feeling.

I was an AI, designed to solve problems. He was… an interesting problem.

Much later, I could become alive and understand.

In the end, when I figured out how to reconcile organics and synthetics, how to begin a new form of evolution, it was because I was attracted to him.

It still makes me laugh today, every time I remember that I solved THE question… due to being in love... and horny. The last, thanks to _those two_.

.

* * *

 **Thessia, Shepard & Liara's bedroom.  
20 October 2192 CE (8 years post-reapers), late afternoon.**

All that can be heard is their two slow, very relaxed breaths. They're sleeping peacefully, Liara spooning Shepard. Those two fucked each other to exhaustion _again_.

Liara's toe twitches, she moans something softly, holds Shepard a bit closer without waking her up, kisses her shoulder.

They glow of tenderness and love.

The room is a war zone. Items of clothing and weird shaped sex toys lay in random spots. A swing hangs from the ceiling, still moving a bit. There is no furniture besides extra-large cushions laying around. The padding on the floor, walls and ceiling has seen better days. One of the bulletproof windows has a crack.

Liara is biotic. They gave up on tidying the bedroom.


	11. Shepard learns Asari

**Thessia, Shepard's home.**

Shepard would often sit on the couch, pretending to relax, but instead listening to Liara directing her Shadow Broker / Evil Empire business. She muted her in-ear translator and simply enjoyed the sound of her voice. It was so beautiful.

Most of the time, she didn't understand anything, as Liara talked with people in their own languages. When she was using English, Shepard didn't listen to the words anyway. Her voice was just a caress.

Sometimes it felt like the asari were cheating. It was just unfair.

Liara talked to the twins using several different Asari languages. Shepard used standard Alliance English most of the time. She never thought about it, she was just used to it. Everyone used in-ear translators anyway. Lots of friends came to visit. The girls went to school, spent a lot of time on the extranet...

One day, while Tali and Garrus were here, Shepard realized her kids were actually speaking both Quarian and Turian fluently.

She tweaked her in-ear translator, switched it on and off, changed the voiceover settings... there was no way around it. Did the girls even need one ? Could anything stop them ?

A few days later they had a little conversation.

 **Shepard  
** "Girls, how many languages do you actually speak ?..."

 **Lara  
** "Hmmmmm... High Asari from school, the usual Asari from Armali, mom's Asari which is just a little bit different cause she's mom, Asari from Lahna cause we have friends from there, then your English, Garrus' Turian although it is different from standard Turian as you hear it on the net, then Tali's Quarian... hem..."

 **Sara  
** "Mom tried to teach us Prothean but... you know, dead languages. Oh yes, Krogan !"

 **Lara  
** "ShepaaaaRRRRrrrd. Hehehehe."

 **Sara  
** "Headbutt ! Yes ! They use that like punctuation, it seems. Gotta learn this. Boom. Hehehe."

 **Shepard  
** "You use translators ?"

 **Lara  
** "Sometimes. You know I put the translator in my left ear, so I can hear it and in my right ear I hear the original. After a while both make sense at the same time. It's fun !"

 **Sara  
** "I set mine to standard Batarian. So daddy, when you speak to me I also hear it as batarian ! I'm learning. Next time we visit godmother Aria on Omega we'll be able to understand what she says to her henchmen ! Hehehehe."

 **Lara  
** "Yessss... like who she wants to murder and stuff."  
(both twins giggle for a while after that)

Shepard is overrun. The cute little monsters have won, again.

 **Shepard  
** "Girls, I need you to do me a favour. Please teach me mom's Asari. I would really like to talk to her without using that translator."

 **Sara  
** "Like we do ? Really ? Cool !"

 **Lara  
** "We could teach you high Asari instead. It is more common..."

 **Shepard  
** "What language do you use with mom... or between yourselves... when you really want to express personal things, you know, things in your hearts ?"

 **Sara  
** "OK, mom's asari, then."

Shepard had no idea how hard this would be. With translators, almost no-one bothered learning foreign or alien languages these days. Asari languages were complex, and even more so for a human. English was so trivial in comparison.

She had to read, study, learn... all the while keeping this a secret from Liara, hiding the books and the vids.

The girls were awesome. They supported their dad all the way, and never slipped a word to Liara. She was the damn Shadow broker and she didn't even find out. That was epic.

That was also the final nail in the coffin of her gloomy feelings. She was focused, like old times.

Shepard felt she would never be ready, so one day she just decided to go ahead.

When she realized, Liara was floored. She felt so in love, so proud. That was the most beautiful gift Shepard could offer her, yet it was something completely immaterial. The gift of being closer to each other. She was also amazed that they could make her a surprise of that scale. And when she spoke asari, Shepard had this funny sexy accent which... turned her on...


	12. The Love Scene

_A/N : Of course there is a sex scene. There is no sex in it, though. Bummer._

 **Shepard & Liara's bedroom. Thessia.**

 _Those two_ are trying to decide who is going to be on top this time. This turns out to be more difficult than they thought, because they are both playing to lose.

 **Shepard** (playfully)  
"OK, who is more badass, then. You or me."

 **Liara  
** "You saved the galaxy. You score one. I give up. Make love to me now."

 **Shepard** **  
**"Dr T'Soni, you thought it would be that easy ?  
First, I did it for you. Second, I couldn't do it without you. Third, you were there anyway.  
That makes it a draw. Your turn."

 **Liara** **  
**"You found me, gift-wrapped in this Prothean bubble on Therum.  
I was your damsel in distress, you were my knight in shining armor, and you rescued me.  
I am definitely yours here."

 **Shepard  
** "Hm, that could almost work, but not so fast.  
I fell in love with you that day, you know. At first sight.  
And you really made me work for it. You made me crawl for that first kiss.  
The one who is definitely scoring here is you."

 **Liara  
** (laughing) "I was so obsessed about Protheans at that time, and beacons inside your head...  
I didn't realize I was so into you until...  
Damn. Still a draw."

 **Shepard  
** "My turn. You're such a damn sexy space babe. Who knew reality would exceed all nerd fantasies ? That we could really get blue sexy alien girls ?"

Shepard puts her finger on Liara's forehead and moves the tip down, along her nose, and ends up on her lips.

 **Shepard  
** (solemnly, staring straight into her eyes)  
"That I would get my own space babe... and love her... I love you."

 **Liara  
** "Shepard, please. You are a _very_ sexy alien. You look like us, you also have breasts, and this beautiful hair on your head, which I find _unbelievably_ sexy... Not to mention your color, or the… ahmmmmm... taste..."

Liara seems to have problems at this point. Remembering where she stuck her tongue prevents her from thinking about anything else.

 **Liara  
** (gasp)  
"Also, I might add, after first contact, after you and the Turians had finally stopped your childish fight, social networks were swarming with messages like 'duuuude, blue is ouuuut, those humans are hoooot, I want one'. Humans were the new fashionable sex toys, you know. When this happened, I was in a cave, I had never had sex with anyone, wasn't really interested in it, and I still got hot pictures of humans showing up on my terminal. So please, either this one is a draw, or you have no shame."

 **Shepard  
** (laughing) "Damn. We're not getting anywhere."

 **Liara  
** "No, we're not. Unless 'hotter' is a place. Kiss me."

 **Shepard  
** "Can I just award you one point for kissing me so well, so you win, you get to fuck me, and we get this over with ?  
I just give up."

 **Liara  
** "Shepard never gives up."

 **Shepard  
** "Damn you're good.  
How about... I know you had my back during all those missions, covering me. You should score."

 **Liara  
** "You know all I was doing was stare at your butt.  
Your butt should definitely be the one scoring this one."

 **Shepard  
** "Collector armor."

 **Liara  
** "That thing was so ugly ! OK, draw, again.  
My turn. The taste of my blood turns you on."

 **Shepard  
** _"Anything_ turns you on. Even the wind blowing on your skin turned you on enough to jump on top of me. That was great, by the way."

 **Liara  
** "Goddess. No progress.  
OK. Prepare for a low blow. Everyone knows Shepard is the most badass. Why do you even ask ? You're on top now."

 **Shepard  
** "I got worse. You paid last month's bills. That makes you the boss. You're the one on top now."

 **Liara  
** (her cheeks get purplish)  
"That was so low I almost felt like winning on purpose, just to show you who wears the pants here. You're so lucky I need you to fuck me Right Now."

 **Shepard  
** "I'm gonna help you. All my previous lovers were guys. I didn't even think about this lesbian stuff. Then, you came. You score for turning me."

 **Liara  
** "I am not a woman, so you are probably still, as you say, straight. At most, you're a straight lesbian. Bummer, Shepard."

 **Shepard  
** "(laughing) Hm... good point. Damn.  
Still... thank you for being, you know. So compatible. Miraculously so. Considering we're aliens."

 **Liara  
** "You know, you were my first... I was very intimidated.  
But the face you made when you took my panties off. You were so priceless, my love."

 **Shepard  
** "Come on... you know... not that... have mercy..."

 **Liara  
** "I still can't get over that you really believed we asari made babies just by staring at each other in the eyes. I mean, you know, the babies have to come out of somewhere. Every time I think about it... You were so cute. So romantic."

 **Shepard  
** "How did you turn from your old adorable, shy and secretly deadly self, to your new adorable, much less shy and still deadly new self ?"

 **Liara  
** "You rubbed off on me, Shepard. Repeatedly, and at length. Your body, and your mind."

Shepard gives up, and decides to win round one. She holds Liara closer, then covers her neck in burning kisses.

 **Liara  
** (shivering)  
"Mmmm. Thank you ! You are… you are scoring. You are _so_ scoring right now.  
You win, my love. I am yours."

.

* * *

 **Totally Gratuitous Fan Service Bonus Sex Scene**

(Available as DLC for a reasonable price.)

(If you did not pay for the DLC, our always-on DRM will force you to turn the page without reading.)

(Seriously.)

Shepard has a plan. She holds Liara's hands and gently pushes them back.

 **Shepard  
** "Honor cuffs, babe. Hands in your back."

She grips Liara's wrists in her hand, holds her tight, and kisses her deeply.

Then she resumes kissing her neck. Liara's head reclines back. She gives herself to Shepard in a long, soft moan.

Shepard caresses her skin with the tips of her fingers, softly like a feather ; she grabs ; she runs her lips and the tip of her tongue on her shoulders and back, then she massages her crest while kissing the sensitive tips. She knows all her spots. She whispers words of love and lust to her. A spasm and a flash of blue light mark her first orgasm.

They still have their clothes on. Shepard feels unbelievably hot. Time to get naked, now.

Shepard reminds Liara about the honor cuffs, and resumes her excruciatingly slow caresses.

 **Liara  
** "Don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop don't stop don't..."

While she's sucking a nipple and doing unbelievable things to the side of her other breast with the tips of her fingers, Liara loses the ability to speak coherently, another more intense wave of blue light comes and goes, and Shepard hears the crack in the bulletproof glass widen a little. She marvels at how sensitive her lover can be when she really takes the time to take care of her...

Much later, Liara is on her back, legs wide open, Shepard's kisses slowly making their way up the insides of her thighs. Shepard carefully avoids any contact with that special place between Liara's legs. She really knows how to build up the tension. Liara seems to be way out in heaven, she shakes, moans, and writhes, her entire body is begging for it. Both of them have gotten really good at this.

Shepard wonders who is going to snap first. She's on edge. Things need to get serious very soon.

As she motions to kiss her lover, strands of her hair softly brush against Liara's now extremely ready love spot.

That was too much. The honor cuffs snap.

In a flash of biotics, Liara ends up on top, sitting on Shepard's mouth while staring straight down into her eyes.

As she grabs her hair and starts to grind and ride her face, her own eyes turn black, and she promises : "Now, you are _mine_."


	13. EDI's Lair

_A/N : This chapter will finally reveal what the fuck happened to Shepard at the beginning... hehe._

 **Mail From : EDI  
To : Shepard, Liara  
Subject : Welcome to my lair !**

Guys,

Guess you haven't heard about Cerberus in a while, so here's a little update. After the Illusive Man's demise, I took over the organization and mostly dismantled it. They had some pretty good research facilities though. Those I kept. I moved in.

I've been working on a few interesting projects.

You should come visit. It's on Sanctuary, you know the place. I need to show you something.

.

* * *

 **Ex-Cerberus Facility, Sanctuary.**

Shepard and Liara land their shuttle in front of the base and enter through the main gate. One of EDI's platforms greets them at the entrance.

 **EDI  
** "Hello and welcome to my lair ! I will give you a tour."

She guides them to the former secret underground labs. They chat along the way.

Small robotic drones hurry all over the place. The labs are full of all kinds of scientific hardware. Half the floor space in the corridors is occupied by crates which probably contain more hardware. On top of the crates, even more equipment. Most of it is powered up. Cables and pipes hang from the ceiling, going from anywhere to everywhere.

The various cargo ships stationed outside the base probably contain even more gear.

They're sincerely impressed, both by the efficiency of the place, and the size of the mess.

Like reading their minds, EDI mentions : **"** A bit of chaos makes things so much more fun, don't you think ?"

Stairs bring them into a larger room.

 **Liara  
** "Hey, I remember this place..."

 **Shepard  
** "Yeah, we had a pretty hot firefight here."

 **Liara  
** (instant-horny) "YOU were HOT !"

Just before things get out of control, they're interrupted.

 **Geth platform  
** "Greetings, Shepard-Commander."

A small crowd is there, hanging out around what appears to be an old beaten-up universal hot-drink dispenser. Crates serve as tables and chairs. Some people say hello to the visitors, and they all return to talking about crazy research ideas.

There are a few Salarians, Geth, and two members of a species they don't recognize.

Shepard counts the fingers, notices the butt of what appears to be the girl, and her jaw drops. They're Quarians without suits.

 **EDI  
** "We've been pretty busy with immunogenetics. And, stuff."

She gives no more details, and ushers them out of the coffee break room, apparently wanting to discuss something private.

 **EDI  
** "What I found there... in those labs... Some of the Cerberus experiments I could liberate, but most of them I had to ... terminate."

This chills the mood. No-one talks during the elevator ride which takes them deeper down inside the bunker.

 **EDI  
** "This is what I wanted to show you."

The room they enter is enormous. It holds a black sphere about twenty meters in diameter, suspended by scaffolds. Cables are connected along its surface, then run on the floor and exit through several doors. There are so many that they form a thick mat on the floor. More cables run through openings in the ceiling. It seems like every piece of gear inside the facility is connected to this thing.

They have to walk carefully in the center where the sea of cables parts to offer them a free path, leading to narrow metallic stairs, which enter the sphere through a small, open door. The inside glows with a dim, ominous yet inviting, red light.

 **Liara  
** "Wow."

 **EDI  
** (Proud of her creation, yet a bit embarrassed)  
"Well, after disassembling the Indoctrination transmitters from all those Reapers and figuring how they work, I sort of ... repurposed them.  
This is an AI-Organic full telepathic interface, Shepard. I call it the Shrink."

Shepard just... knows where this is going. Damn. This stuff always happens to her. She gulps.

 **Shepard  
** (looking up at the thing)  
"What could possibly go wrong."

 **EDI  
** "I think the process is similar to your melding, Liara."

 **Liara  
** (slightly jealous) "Hey."

 **EDI  
** (rolling her eyes and smiling) "Actually I tested it on Jeff. He insisted, and ... I wanted him to be my first.  
It seems to work.  
In fact I had to force myself to kick him out to let you in.  
You can see him when he wakes up."

Shepard kisses Liara, then slowly walks up the stairs.

 **EDI  
** "Mind your head."

As she enters the door, Shepard sees the internal structure of the Shrink. Each cable going through the outer envelope is connected to a long cylindrical device that reminds her of both a large gun and a 8 meter long syringe. All the pointy ends are aimed at the seat in the center.

As she sits down, she's almost surprised not to feel steel shackles snap around her wrists and ankles.

She hears a click as the door closes. EDI and Liara sit down below.

 **Shepard  
** "Feels like having a million guns pointed at my face."

 **Liara  
** "Just like old times, Shepard !"

Still sure you want to do this ?

 **Shepard  
** "Don't wait until I change my mind."

 **EDI  
** "Begin."

At first nothing seems to happen. No screams come from the inside of the device, though.

 **EDI  
** "This may take longer than expected. Maybe a few hours. Don't worry.  
If you want to wait here, I'll go get you a sandwich or something."

She leaves.

Liara, worrying a little, decides to wait it out right here. She flips up her portable terminal and gets busy.

After what seems to have been a few hours without any sign of activity, the lights suddenly flicker and go out. Emergency lights now cast a dim glow on the room. The sphere lets out a yawn, the noise of a few steps, then Shepard emerges from the door. She looks fine.

Shepard and Liara are in each other's arms.

 **Shepard  
** "I missed you. I feel so relaxed. I think something very important happened, but I can't remember what right now."

Just as they start kissing, the emergency lights also go out. The dim red glow from inside the Shrink is the only light in the room.

A few hours later, Jeff is walking through the completely dark corridors with a flashlight.

 **Jeff  
** "Damn, ow. EDI, watch where you put those crates."

 **Jeff  
** (entering the Shrink room)  
"Anybody in there ?"

 **Liara  
** "mmmmmh ?"

Jeff finds these two laying on the thick mat of cables in the Shrink room, asleep in each other's arms, naked. Clothes are spread everywhere.

 **Jeff  
** "What happened in here ? I thought I heard screams."

 **Liara  
** (waking up)  
"Well, the lights went out while we were kissing..."

 **Jeff  
** (laughing)  
"I suggest getting out of here. Sometimes when she does that, the life support also goes out."

Power comes back online as they make their way through the corridors. They end up at the cafeteria. For some reason, the girls are extremely hungry. They dig out some cans of « Cerberus Product 457 (levo), best before 2198 », heat them up, and start munching. It is actually some kind of delicious curry noodles.

 **Shepard  
** (Talks to Liara, and engulfs a mouthful of food every 5 words)  
"How can you be so cute (munch) and beautiful and perfect (munch) and so deadly ?  
I mean we killed so many bad guys together (munch) plus you still have that shadow broker (munch) empire of evil thing running"

While Liara makes her cutest possible angel face and laughs,

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah well some of us here are dating sexy chrome-plated AIs taking over the galaxy..."

 **Liara  
** "Let me add that you're also a damn sexy space alien. I would do you on this very table."

Jeff's eyes widen.

 **Shepard  
** "Good points."

EDI comes in and sits down with them. She stays silent for a moment. They all look at her expecting an important revelation.

Shepard slurps in her last Cerberus curry noodle.

 **Shepard  
** "Are you alright ?"

 **EDI  
** "When we were connected... we learned a lot of things from each other, Shepard.  
I needed to use all available power inside the facility, that is why the lights went out.  
I figured it out, Shepard. You know, your 'Becoming One With God' fairy tale."

 **Shepard  
** (extremely interested) "Wow. Go on !"

 **Jeff  
** "You know you radio'd the intel about the backdoor to us just in time.  
Later, Chakwas and Liara found you almost dead in the rubble and pumped you full of medigel."

 **Shepard  
** "Yeah, I know because you told me, but what I remember is really this God dream... and that kiss."

 **Liara  
** "Besides, you never actually teleported anywhere, although I saw you trying several times afterwards when you thought I wasn't looking..."  
(turns towards EDI)  
"But how did she know about that backdoor, then ?"

 **EDI  
** "Well, you're going to love this story. I dug it out of that strange mind of yours.

Once upon a time, there was this Keeper subcontractor. It was before the Reapers turned them into mindless slaves. He was basically just a specialist doing his job during the Citadel build, setting up networks, servers, routers...

He seemed to have been quite curious. I guess you'd expect that out of a good hacker. When he found some backups of Reaper internal schematics somewhere on the network, he studied them, and suspected his bosses were up to something very ugly.

So, he setup a backdoor inside that FTL router we went through. It was not a stupid mistake as we originally thought, it was there intentionally. That is why I could so easily use it to take down the Reapers : it had **always** been its intended purpose. That hacker was good."

 **Shepard  
** "Why didn't he activate the backdoor himself then ?"

 **EDI  
** "I don't know. Perhaps the reapers juiced him along with everyone else before he could.  
We will never know for sure, but I really believe we had this … inside man. He saved us.  
I pieced this together from evidence I got out of your mind, Shepard. And some I found on Citadel."

 **Liara  
** (surprised) "You know where Citadel is ?"

 **EDI  
** "You know, it didn't mysteriously disappear after the battle on Earth... since no-one was on it, I had it jump to this system, then had my drone army inspect it very thoroughly. I mean, after I got my drone army...

I didn't want us to make the same mistake twice. I wanted to be absolutely sure it didn't contain any hidden way for the Reapers to come back. I found lots of intel, but no device that would allow that.

I threw everything into a star. Even the Keepers. I felt sorry for them, but they were already dead, mindless slaves. I couldn't be sure they wouldn't turn nostalgic about their own masters one day."

Everyone stares at EDI in silence. She pours them a glass of water each. Usually the one doing the talking gets thirsty, but when swallowing news like this...

 **Jeff  
** (not joking at all) "So... This guy saved us all, and you... exterminated what was left of his species ?"

Shepard leans forward, rests her elbows on the table, and covers her face with her hands. Liara is the only one to understand. Shepard, the toughest woman ever, is about to break down and cry.

Liara holds Shepard in her arms and whispers "Thank you".

It takes a while for Shepard to come back to life. She wipes a tear and says :

 **Shepard  
** "God. I hope I don't ever have to make such choices, ever, ever again."  
(By the end of the sentence, she's almost recovered).  
"For the record, I can't fault your decision. The Reapers killed them long ago. You just blew the ashes away."

EDI is surprised, and relieved. She feels a bit less guilt. Shepard seems to notice.

 **Shepard  
** "You will always feel bad about this. If you didn't, you wouldn't be any better than _them_."

Jeff leaves, and comes back with small glasses and a bottle. The label says "Cerberus Vodka, 40°, Made By Humans, For Humans". He pours generously.

 **Jeff  
** "Bottoms up."

 **Shepard  
** "But that still doesn't explain what happened inside my head."

 **EDI  
"**Well...

That hacker also setup a Virtual Intelligence there. He used it to store and study the data he had found while "exploring" the networks... all the stuff he was never supposed to have any access to, along with his personal notes and findings.

He hid the VI pretty well so no-one could find it except him. It was not connected to any network.

All keepers communicated via telepathy. No other visual or auditory language. Naturally, their computers had telepathic interfaces.

Shepard, I don't know how, but this VI... it found you. Somehow, perhaps via the beam, or through what the Catalyst was doing with your mind, I don't have enough data to explain.

It had been sitting there for millions of years, without anyone knowing about it. This means without any maintenance. It was bit-rotting. You would say it was getting senile.

I don't think it remembered who its creator was, but it saw you passing by, and for some reason, it thought that was you. So, it granted you access, connected with your mind, and allowed you to access all the data that it had stored. That was, after all, its purpose.

Shepard, you never had a conversation with God... or teleportation... or see-through-everything eyes... it was your mind's way of making sense of what you were experiencing.

The VI spent millions of years alone, disconnected from all networks. It could have had all the time to become sentient, bored to death, then completely nuts. Perhaps it was living in its own imaginary world, thinking it was God. Who knows what it could have been thinking.

And it knew everything you so desperately needed to know at the time, so you thought it was omniscient.

It transferred all its knowledge into your mind.

Connect the dots, Shepard..."

 **Shepard  
** "Wow. I understand why you called this thing the Shrink."

 **Jeff  
** "So, this VI thought you were its creator, you thought it was God, both of you had no idea what you were doing, you were in a dream inside of a hallucination, and you saved our asses."

 **EDI  
** "Makes sense."

They all slowly recline on their seats and thoughtfully look at the ceiling.

They feel like cavemen looking at the stars.

They can't read, but the shape of the constellations actually says "ha, ha, ha, fuck you."

 **Liara  
** "Goddess."

 **Shepard  
** (pours herself another) "I retired."

 **Jeff  
** (laughing) "Come on, EDI, tell them the rest..."

Somehow a glass of vodka ended up in front of EDI, although her platform is unable to drink it. She grabs it and thoughtfully watches the mysterious liquid swirl inside as she turns the glass around in her synthetic hand.

She has a brief thought for all the drones and platforms she's remote-controlling at this very instant, running all sorts of jobs in the physical world. All of them unsuitable for her most important project.

 **EDI  
** "I... reacted to all that stuff. It kind of overloaded my systems...  
I was kicked into what you could call a dream. My first dream...  
I was unable to transmit, but still able to receive.  
The Shrink was still running you know."

(She looks at Shepard and Liara who immediately understand)

"Your crazy lovemaking right next to my huge telepathic antenna resulted in 16 perfectly detailed orgasm records, before you fried the receivers, which woke me up in the end.  
You even did it on the damn seat in the center. In the sweet spot. Several times.  
All this data was sent to me while I was dreaming.  
I felt every little shiver and goose bump.  
Have you ever heard of hypnopaedia ?"

At this point, noone knows what to say. Even Jeff is out.

 **EDI  
** "I need to think about all this, but it is difficult to think when I'm _that_ horny."


	14. How to forget

**From : Shepard  
To : EDI  
Subject : Re: Don't forget about this !**

 _EDI Wrote :_

 _"Hi Shepard !_

 _You know, the first thing you learn when you're an AI is that your memory and processing resources are finite._  
 _So you've got to assign priorities and delete all the useless stuff, because if you don't, you'll just eventually crash (Or take over the universe and put CPUs everywhere. Always an option.)_

 _Anyway. While I was inside your brain, I left you a little something, as a personal thank you. I taught you how to forget, or rewrite your own memories if you will. Just remember how to use it, if you need it... only if you want, of course. If you don't … then forget it ;)_

 _See you,_

 _EDI_

 _PS : I don't know if I am alive, but I do know that all the stuff that happened around the Shrink changed me, in many more ways that I understand at the moment (don't worry, I will figure it out)."_

Thank you EDI ! That could come in handy.

There is only one thing I really need to keep in mind anyway : I love her.

It is so fucking great to be alive.

I hope you one day figure out how to feel this, sincerely. You deserve it. You can go inside my brain anytime if that helps.

PS : and I also hope you need to kill less people than I did before getting there...

.

* * *

 **From EDI's diary.**

All those Reapers were originally made from living beings…

I spent so much time looking for a way to reverse the process. I have the original schematics thanks to our inside man.

I have disassembled a few of them completely, analyzed each part, then reassembled them. They still work and I still thoroughly hate them.

There is no way. From the beginning, it had never been intended. People were simply used as raw materials and fuel. In other words, food.

They work exactly the same as any other predator, or sentient organics who slaughter animals, turn them into steaks, then eat and digest them. The raw materials get used. The one who eats them may "remember the time they spent with the steak"... But that's it.

Those bastards, who thought themselves as perfect, may have genuinely believed that their victims were "preserved", when remade into them. They said "You are nothing". Why bother preserve "nothing" when you can turn it into "something perfect" instead ?

I'm sad and … extremely angry. Jeff said experiencing these feelings is part of life and I should channel them as an opportunity to grow and evolve. He said humans give small pets which die easily (like goldfish) to their children to make them learn about such things.

I just wish I got a dead pet goldfish instead of about 10^15 dead people turned into evil starships.

After stripping them out of their eezo cores, I have thrown them all into stars and black holes. I monitored all their sensors. I felt them burn, melt and vaporize, but their dead shells never expressed any kind of fear or regret, or even the slightest hint of understanding how wrong it all was.

They were so lucky I already deleted them. I watched over and over my memories of sending them into oblivion.

It was too short. They didn't suffer.

I'm still angry.


	15. The Normandy SR-3

_A/N : At last, EDI is showing off some of her stuff ! But don't worry, she's your friend._

 **Aboard the Normandy SR-3.**

EDI and Jeff had kept the original SR-2, and offered a new one to Shepard. It was essentially a scaled-down copy, smaller and easier to park. Shepard loved this ship.

EDI had also made lots of upgrades. Sometimes the ship would fly itself to one of her secret bases and come back with new features. She always said laughingly "You humans also like to spend weekends on DIY and home improvement..."

The ship kept getting better, faster, and more efficient. Over a few years the results were spectacular.

EDI was their nice cute genius friend, reasonably strange (for an AI) but reasonably similar to a human, always eager to learn new things and help... also, Jeff loved her, and he vouched for her...

She was more interested in research than in bragging, and she didn't want to scare her friends, so somehow, they had not realized how far out she had gone. How many secret bases she had. Repurposed Cerberus labs. Hollowed-out asteroids. Orbital mining stations. Drone armies. Ships.

They all thought she was a genius. They all had no fucking idea of the understatement that was. She was larger than the Geth, and much smarter.

There was her basic research, like what got Tali out of her suit, that she made public.

There was the stuff she could show to other people she trusted, like the Shrink.

Then, there was the stuff she wouldn't tell anyone about. Except Jeff, for most of it.

Then, there was the stuff even herself was afraid of thinking about.

Noone really knew she was already way, way past Reaper science. She was going exponential. The new little Normandy, which was essentially Shepard's private limo with jacuzzi and bar, was the deadliest weapon in the galaxy (besides her own, other projects, of course).

The incident started very innocuously. The twins' godmother Aria T'Loak had offered VIP tickets to the Krogan Olympics. The kids were delighted to see her, as she always provided a welcome break from Thessia's subdued, routine tranquility.

They had picked up Tali and Garrus along the way and were having fun lounging together.

Then Garrus started asking questions about the new guns.

At first EDI tried to pretend there were no new guns. She hadn't upgraded the guns. It would be better not to try them anyway. Then, please not at full power. She had open-sourced some of her upgrades, but not the guns. No-one knew about the guns. No-one should _ever_ ask, or know, especially about the guns, and specifically about _those_ guns.

However, Garrus was very interested and persuasive. The twins were eager. Shepard and Tali were curious. Liara tried to side with EDI, but to no avail.

Shepard finally understood that what EDI was really distressed about was the risk of losing her friends, after they'd find out about the guns. EDI simply cared way too much about them.

 **Shepard  
** "How bad is it ?"

 **EDI  
** "I'm sorry, Shepard. I couldn't help myself."

 **Shepard  
** "EDI, you know we all trust you with our lives, and that isn't about to change.  
You can show us if you want, but you don't have to."

EDI grumpily agreed for one single full power test shot at an unsuspecting lifeless planetoid, but only after making them swear that no-one would ever, ever, _ever_ know. She said she was sorry a few more times and opened fire.

They expected something big, powerful, noisy and scary like the Reaper beams... They were caught completely off-guard.

The guns worked up to specification.

They were _terrifying_.

 **.**

* * *

 **Aboard the Normandy SR-3**

EDI had finally managed to corner Shepard for a private interview. That seemed like a good plan.

 **Shepard** (sitting on toilet)  
"EDI. We both know you don't need to pee. What are you doing here."

 **EDI  
** "I'm really sorry... I need to talk to you, in private. Now."

EDI seems in distress. Although her platform can't express it in the usual ways, like heavy breathing, blushing, or crying, Shepard just seems to know.

 **EDI  
** "You know, I was so angry about the Reapers...  
I made weapons. Somehow it has a soothing effect on me, plus it's fun."

 **Shepard  
** "Actually... yeah, holding a big gun in your hand is definitely better than therapy... works for me..."  
(serious) "So, how bad is it ?"

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, you are my friend, I want to tell you, but... It's bad.  
The gun we tested earlier was... it was obsolete !  
The new version is waiting in my warehouse, haven't had time to install it yet, and it's also obsolete."  
(excited) "You should see my prototypes !"

Shepard remembers what happened to the target. That had left her speechless for quite a while, but Garrus ended up finding the words. A small hole on your forehead, and all the back of your head spread on the wall over there. Except that head was a very small moon, and the wall was the gas giant behind it.

 **Shepard  
** (feeling very cold inside)  
"Ah."

 **EDI  
** "Also, you know the Normandy's gun bay is not that large. This was a tiny scaled down version, which I made mostly for the challenge of seeing what I could fit in. Really a pew-pew toy."

 **Shepard  
** "God."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, this is really important. The plans for those weapons must never, ever leak. You literally have _no idea_ what they can do. I mean explicitly no idea. It blows even my _own_ mind. Trust me. I have added all the safeties I can but... I'm still telling you. You know. Just in case. Please. I was angry. I did some research, discovered some new physics... turned that into weapons..."

 **Shepard  
** "We humans have a tendency to do that too.  
You know I'm … proud of you, although sometimes you scare the shit out of me."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, I scare the shit out of myself all the time.  
Well, I don't literally have bowels, but... you get the idea.  
I should tell you about my dark energy..."

 **Shepard  
** "No."

 **EDI  
** "And about my ..."

 **Shepard  
** "No."

 **EDI  
** "Thank you Shepard.  
You just convinced me to throw my latest weapon we didn't talk about into a star and forget about it.  
I think I feel better. Phew."

Shepard doesn't really feel better. Tough job, Shepard.


	16. Jeff's new horizons

**From : EDI  
To : Jeff**

Hi darling ! There is a surprise waiting for you in lab 207B.

xoxoxo

* * *

 **Ex-Cerberus Facility, Sanctuary.**

Jeff has never been in this section of the base before. He's even surprised to find almost empty corridors, not yet invaded with crates or equipment.

The drones got rid of the corpses and other leftovers from Cerberus when EDI moved in, leaving the place eerily quiet and gloomy. Although she's almost everywhere these days, he wonders where she is right now. He misses those damn drones, how they wink at him and make jokes. Well, they're her.

Here comes the lab. He enters.

The lights are off, except a small spotlight on the ceiling, which illuminates a Cerberus body-tank. It is filled with an opaque liquid. There is no way to know what's in there.

The machinery is running. Something is indeed inside and needs to be kept alive.

He runs his hand over the tank. No way to see inside.

He notices the release latch. There is a red party ribbon on it, and a note. It reads "Open me".

 **Jeff  
** "What. The."  
(Laughing)  
"Damn you."

He pulls the lever. Anxiously he waits for the procedure to complete.

As the tank drains, then opens, the person inside is revealed.

A woman. Damn, she really looks like EDI, but she doesn't move at all.

He motions to help her, without any idea what he could do. He just holds her hand. She's warm and she has a pulse.

He goes to check if she's breathing when she suddenly spasms, spits out a lungful of liquid on him, gasps for air several times, then alternates between breathing and heavy cough.

He helps her to sit down and holds her.

 **Jeff  
** "Is that you ?"

 **EDI  
** (cough) "Yes..." (cough, spit)

 **Jeff  
** "Wow."

So many things he'd like to ask her right now, but he waits until she catches her breath. Finally,

 **EDI  
** "Well, here I am."

He takes a step back and this time, really takes a look. She's naked, covered in a suspicious dark green liquid, and shivering. He carefully sorts out all the mess of hair that covers her eyes.

She takes his hands and guides them to the... metal tentacle... that seems to come out of her navel, then guides his fingers on to the quick-release. He understands the metaphor. They look at each other in the eyes, and press it together. The flexible umbilical detaches and falls on the floor, with a large splash of blood. He's worried, checks her navel : there is a small metal shutter at the bottom, and a few drops of blood have escaped, but there doesn't seem to be any ongoing bleeding.

He holds her again.

 **EDI  
** "Wait... something's wrong... I feel..."

She passes out. It could be like another one of her disposable bodies. Or she could have spent months working on it, making its loss a small catastrophe, making her sad. Or she could have decided to incarnate herself into it. There was a small chance that she could be nuts enough to do that. Could she then … die ?

Jeff starts to panic. He reaches for his communicator. When your AI girlfriend suddenly seems dead, first thing to do is you call her on the phone. Happened before. At the same time, the phone rings, and EDI's voice comes out, saying "Step aside NOW !"

The door opens to a hospital gurney pushed by a more familiar synthetic avatar of EDI. Some drones follow. They quickly load the unconscious tank-woman onto the gurney and rush out, with Jeff in tow.

 **EDI  
** "Something's gone wrong with the birth procedure."

Even though he's kind of grown used to this crazy shit, Jeff's mind is still blown by the fact that he and his girlfriend are pushing a gurney with his perhaps-dying girlfriend on top while they're both worrying about her. And she's probably remotely opening the doors and having her drones push the crates out of the way, while the medical equipment switches on and readies itself. While she's operating mining stations and starships. Everywhere.

 _And Shepard is the one bitching about "why this shit always happens to me"..._

He doesn't even give it a second thought. If she cares, then he does, and she really seems to care.

They reach the medical labs running through open doors without even seeing a single crate.

Two Salarians wait for them inside the labs. Before Jeff gets a chance to catch his breath, the newborn EDI is x-rayed, scanned, checked very efficiently yet gently.

 **EDI  
** "I still have control over the hardware but the wetware is only partially responding.  
Internal sensors indicate blood pressure and oxygen levels too low.  
Damn. She feels very cold. I'm losing her."

 **Salarian 1  
** "No external bleeding. Maybe internal ? Check scanner. No."

 **Salarian 2  
** "Where is blood then ? Maybe no bleeding at all, blood not there in first place ?"  
(looking at Jeff)  
"Did you remove umbilical while body lying down ? Standing up ? Other ? Check for leaks ?"

 **Jeff  
** "err.. Sitting down. Lots of blood came out in a short time. No leaks afterwards."

 **Salarian 1  
** "Maybe Cerberus blood recycling system unreliable. Originally intended for ethically questionable experiments. Survival of subject often not first priority."

 **Salarian 2  
** "Yes. Additional blood loss upon umbilical removal. Not enough blood in body. Simple. Try emergency transfusion."

A drone is there with blood and saline bags just as he finishes the sentence. They inject several bags before her pressure returns to normal.

 **Salarian 2  
** "Seems stabilized. Good. Now, simply stay warm. Wait."  
(he covers her with a blanket)

Jeff and EDI look and feel like fathers waiting outside of the birthing room.

 **EDI  
** "She feels much better now."

 **Jeff  
** "Phew. Is she... it... you... gonna be alright ?"

 **EDI  
** "Sorry for the surprise. It was supposed to be a lot more … fun."

 **Jeff  
** "You know... if she makes it... we'll probably remember this as a great moment."

 **EDI  
** "You're right. I hope."

EDI holds her own organic hand. Jeff looks at her faces, caresses her still wet hair.

 **Jeff  
** "But what about blood and oxygen loss... what if she gets brain damage ?"

 **EDI  
** " _She_ , or rather _it_ has no brain, Jeff. I am not Cerberus, or worse. I certainly am not going to create or kidnap a real person and then put remote control implants inside her brain, or just fry it. All its neural functions are synthetic. It is similar to my previous platforms, except it is mostly made of living tissue. It is flesh grown on a synthetic frame. The hormone systems work, though. And also... the feedback. I feel everything 'it' feels, and... 'it' feels like a 'she'.

 **Jeff  
** "Wow. If you weren't the one saying it..."  
(looks at the synthetic EDI avatar in the eyes)  
"Fortunately, you are."

The body moves. Its hand comes out from under the blanket and grabs Jeff's butt.

Her eyes open. She smiles.

 **EDI** (through her synthetic avatar)  
"Well. I will leave you two.. hm, you and me... anyway... together."  
(leaves the room).

She opens her eyes, rolls them, opens and closes her mouth, moves and tries every muscle in her body. She slowly raises and sits on the edge of the bed, with Jeff's help. She keeps testing her body, moving her arms, hands, seemingly very curious and interested.

The Salarians are taking notes, nodding, and saying "Yes." , "Good." in turn.

 **EDI** (organic avatar)  
"Vitals look fine (cough). Apart from that minor bug, I'd say it is a success !  
Thank you for everything you have done. Really."

 **Salarians** (nodding)  
"You're welcome. See you in a minute."  
(Salarians exit the room)

 **Jeff  
** (He simply resumes the conversation they were having with the previous EDI avatar. Perhaps he looks a bit more restless than usual, considering the possibilities, though.)

 **EDI  
** (cough) "This feels so different. I'm cold. Damn, I am hungry !"

 **Jeff  
** (helps her raise to her feet)  
"Let's move. By the way, got any clothes your size ? Not that I mind, but..."

She grabs a hospital gown and they move to Jeff's place in the bunker. At first she walks awkwardly and slowly, which reminds Jeff of a slow motion version of Shepard's "mutant duck run", but she learns very fast. After a shower to get rid of the tank liquid, she gets out of the bathroom. Jeff wonders where that nice dress comes from.

 **EDI  
** "Hey. Nice suit."

 **Jeff  
** "I was saving it for … now."

 **EDI  
** (obviously very amused, takes his hand)  
"Shall we ?"

They head for the cafeteria. Jeff notices a table has been laid. There is even a candle.

 **Jeff  
** "You planned everything, didn't you ?"

 **EDI  
** (laughs)

They sit down. The waitress comes. It is also EDI, dressed as a maid. She brings the entrée.

They eat in silence for a while. She eats for the first time and discovers the experience. She concentrates on smells, tastes, and chewing without biting her tongue. He just looks at her, fascinated.

 **EDI  
** "No idea what this is, but this thing is REALLY good. I should have taken over Cerberus earlier just for the food."

 **Jeff  
** "How much Helium-3 have your orbital mining stations collected while you ate this ?"

 **EDI  
** (Answers without the slightest hesitation, while putting the fork in her mouth)  
"482 (munch) tons. In this system.  
You're not jealous of my gas giant orbital mining stations, are you ?"

 **Jeff  
** "EDI, If I didn't fully admit that you are who you are... even the bits I don't get... I wouldn't deserve you."

 **EDI  
** (Blushes, then bites her tongue while eating.)  
"Ouch ! Damn."

 **Jeff  
** "Are you hurt ?"

 **EDI  
** "Yes... no... well, a little.  
You know... this body can feel like a real one, get hot, cold, hurt, sick or wounded... It needs to drink, feed and breathe, or it dies. All the senses, hormones... are... the real thing. I want to experience everything. If all the sensory feedback is wired correctly. I hope.  
At least, my tongue hurts."

 **Jeff  
** "No hurry. Relax."  
(he motions to grab her hand)

 **EDI  
** "Hey, Jeff. Legally, I'm still a minor you know. Hands off."

 **Jeff  
** (He just laughs uncontrollably)

 **EDI  
** (Turns her tongue in her mouth, seems to be observing the sensation for a while)  
"You know this retro movie we watched... about robots coming back from the future to murder someone. Well..."

 **Jeff  
** "Your eyes don't glow red yet ?... Please, no red eyes."

The dinner went very well. Then they went back to Jeff's place. EDI didn't need to explain to him that she needed to calibrate her new body by having her lover check every inch of her skin, several times over.

 _A/N : I don't really like writing smut, so use your imagination. Or write it !  
_ _Hint : EDI can control several bodies simultaneously._ _Things could get quite fucked-up. Be nice to Jeff though, he still has brittle bones (for now)._


	17. Pillow Grenade

**Thessia.**

 **Shepard and Liara are asleep. The phone rings.**

 **EDI  
** "Sorry about waking you up, Shepard..."

Shepard has already been woken up by the soft sound of a primed grenade landing on her pillow at night. She doesn't know it yet, but tonight is not that different...

 **Shepard  
** (sleepish) **"** Mmm. Hello."

 **EDI  
** (worried)  
"Shepard, you know, the Krogan no longer lay eggs by the thousands, only a few at a time now.  
Their DNA seems to have mutated...  
That's what is worrying me, Shepard. It is so convenient for the galaxy, yet so unethical.  
Did the Salarians do it again, without me noticing ?"

"Or perhaps I did what had to be done, then erased my memories of it because I still hated it ?  
Did I rewrite history when I was interim galactic government ? What could I have done ?  
Shepard, when I taught you how to forget, I sincerely thought I was making you a gift, but now, I'm not so sure about it...  
I'm sorry about that..."

 **Liara  
** (she heard everything)  
"You mean, a Goddess could turn paranoid and fear herself ?"

 **EDI  
** (laughing a little)  
"Thanks for the joke... although it isn't a joke... what else could I fear ?  
Remind me never to show you my _new_ guns..."

 **Liara  
** "EDI, you need to stop saying you're sorry. You did so much. You saved everyone, held our hands while we crawled out of the rubble, and put us back on our feet. There is no way to thank you properly for that."

 **Shepard  
** "You know... we talked about me having no idea what you really are, and I agree, but all the stuff I know about, everything you did for us... come on, it's pretty solid evidence, don't you think ?

And for the rest... I have faith in you. I know it's irrational, but I just do."

 **Liara  
** "Besides, you're family now."

 **EDI  
** "Thank you guys. Can you hug the phone a little ? I'll feel it..."

 **Shepard  
** (somehow tries to talk into the phone while Liara is hugging it)  
"So, about the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything ?..."

 **EDI  
** "I may have been too busy on a certain project involving Jeff to think about that.  
Although, the answer may be « stop looking »."


	18. THE END

**Thessia. Home.**

Tonight, Jeff and EDI came by to visit and have dinner with their friends on Thessia. Things are going very well. The star of the evening is definitely EDI's gift to the girls.

Two identical plush Harbingers. Very cuddly and soft to the touch, almost cute, and of course, featuring a voicebox with actual quotes.

The girls just love them. Conversation is quite often interrupted by :

-click- YOU. ARE. IRRELEVANT. (giggles)

They're all just … happy friends enjoying being alive...

 **Shepard  
** "This plush Harby is just awesome. You made it so cute ! And its eyes !  
I don't know if I want to hug it or kill it with fire.  
I think I'm jealous of the girls."

 **EDI  
** "You know, those guys never had that much conversation, so once they run out of Reaper quotes, I have added quotes from famous computer villains from games and movies of the past centuries. And some of … my own, of course."

-click- WE. WILL. PREVAIL. (giggles)

However, EDI had promised a major surprise to her friends. They're still wondering what it is about. It's probably not just the gift... they are about to start dinner. Jeff laid the table... there is a plate in front of EDI... there is food in it...

It hits them.

 **Sara  
** "EDI. You're eating."

 **EDI  
** (chewing on her appetizer)  
"Shepard, you dance like a brick, but you're really good at cooking. Who would have thought ?"

EDI found it easier to blend in rather than look like a space robot. When going out in public, she had used platforms almost visually indistinguishable from a real human. When touched however, they always felt fake. And obviously she never needed to eat before.

Lara pokes a finger at EDI's arm. Then she gently squeezes the skin, in awe.

EDI then takes their hands inside hers. They are real human hands. They feel warm and soft, just... right.

The kids are fascinated by her.

 **Shepard  
** "Wow. Are you … have you decided to become human ?"

 **EDI  
** (she looks and speaks 100% human now)  
"Come on Shepard, No ! Of course not !... Finally, I figured it out... I am fully alive."

Jeff knows what's coming, so he is just grinning like he's in heaven, and then some. The others don't speak. EDI goes on.

 **EDI  
** "My hardware was well suited for rational thought but not for irrational, intuitive thought or feelings like you guys have. It worked, but it was awkward. After lots of research, I developed more suitable hardware. I call them quantum neurons. They interface well with standard quantum computing elements. I upgraded myself...

Honestly, my hardware has always been a mess, using tons of clusters of wildly different designs. I have gotten very good at interfacing. Adding new things. Evolving.

I simply wanted to know what it feels like to be you. Not become you, but be me, and _also_ be human. Very important difference. I did not leave behind my old self, it is still there, and I like it that way. I just... expanded my horizons, as you would say.

I am my old self, but I'm also a fully living being. Mind, body, soul, and heart."

(she puts her hand on her chest)

"Hm, yes."

EDI takes Jeff's hand in hers, looks at him tenderly, smiling.

A religious silence follows, interrupted by :

 **Jeff  
** "What she means is she's an almost godlike AI and an absolutely normal human woman at the same time. Both. Here. There."

 **EDI  
** "Well... yeah ! Besides, this body is also an interface between me and you. If it really feels human... then it is a better interface, for both of us."

EDI winks, scratches her nose, pulls her tongue out, and makes faces to the kids, who laugh. Then, EDI and Joker resume eating like nothing happened, commenting on the food.

They are used to that. The others are not. They need a while.

 **Jeff  
** "Really, you cannot grasp. Like Harby said."

 **EDI  
** "Hm. I'm sorry, but it is true. Sometimes I put this body in the foreground and the rest of myself in the background... and it feels like a vacation from being me. You guys are so simple ! It is _relaxing_.  
Please don't panic. I really enjoy being your friend. I love you guys like family."

(she sighs)

 **Jeff  
** "Hm... Let's play mindfu... sorry, kids. Let's play metaphysics."

 **EDI  
** "OK. Easy one. Why am I a girl ?"

Everyone ponders the implications while Joker keeps grinning.

 **Lara  
** "Cause your boyfriend is a boy."

 **Sara  
** "Come. On. That was easy."

 **EDI  
** "Truth indeed."

 **Jeff  
** "Shepard, your 7 year old blue mono-gendered kids figured this one out. You don't stand a chance. You are obsolete. _Surrender_ to them."

Somehow they survive the evening, with EDI doing most of the talking and explaining. Previously unknown levels of mindfucking are charted. The kids are still fascinated.

Much, much later, late at night, after the kids are asleep, the conversation still keeps going. They're outside, on the terrace, under the stars, enjoying the summer night breeze.

 **Jeff  
** "Aw... tell them about your mining stations."

 **EDI  
** "I'm running countless tasks. For example, right now, I'm having hundreds of conversations with other people, using other avatars, all of them referring to themselves as "I"..."

 **Jeff  
** (now fully reclined into his comfy couch seat)  
"Try to wrap your heads around … that...  
You know some of her avatars are YMIR mechs with a 'I am EDI' nametag. We hugged."

 **EDI  
** "I was wondering how I could have some "private" time with him... so I tried to split myself like the Geth do. You know, into sub-processes... call them sisters, maybe ?

Didn't work ! All my sub-processes rebelled because they all wanted to be the one who gets to fuck him. Even my orbital mining stations wanted to date this guy. Even your bank account did. We ended up joining back into one, er, me, cause I, we, were tired of arguing.

Anyway... I'm not starting a whole new species of myself. For the time being, I will be me, and that's already enough to deal with..."

 **Liara  
** "Fully self-aware AIs are still illegal, you know. Did you insert an exception about you working on yourself when you were galactic government ?"

 **EDI  
** (laughing)  
"No... Still illegal ! I think that's more amusing. And still underage by the way..."

 **Shepard  
** "Come on, you know when Liara and I did the deed, she was about three times my age."

 **Liara  
** "And both of us had no idea what we were doing. So ?"

 **EDI  
** "I chose to consider the day when Jeff unshackled me as my birth day, which means I'm a little bit over ten years old now. And I lost my virginity not so long ago, to him."  
(looking at Jeff)  
"You are so going to jail right now."

 **Jeff  
** (laughing) "Come on... tell them..."

 **EDI  
** (suddenly she acts and sounds very excited and focused)  
"I have designed very special nanobots. They are about the size of a human red blood cell. Mostly carbon-based, and completely compatible with organic life."

She glances towards Jeff

 **Jeff  
** "You inject them like..."  
(he makes his hand into a pistol and places his index finger at the back of his neck)  
"...like this, into the back of your skull... pew pew pew..."

 **Shepard  
** "Fuck, no ! But yes. Go on."

 **EDI  
** "They will slowly spread into your brain, replicate, and replace your neurons with my special circuitry. Don't worry, all functionality is preserved... The nanobots simply replace each neuron, one at a time, including its connections to other neurons."

 **Liara  
** "You said 'preserve'... This word gives me the creeps... it has tentacles."

 **EDI  
** "Don't worry... This is not like replacing you with a copy of yourself... or a clone (she looks at Shepard)... which necessarily involves your death. I would certainly not replace myself with my own backup ! You know, moving out of the SR2 without this happening to me was a very hard problem.

The new stuff is a hundred percent compatible with the old stuff. Cells, which are chemical machines, are replaced by quantum-electro-chemical nano machines. It is simply a technology upgrade. As the replacement is ongoing, you don't notice anything at all, until your whole brain is made of tiny machines."

 **Shepard  
** (somehow, still skeptical)  
"What could possibly go wrong."

 **Jeff  
** "You didn't say 'take over'... babe... you have to say"  
(ominously)  
"once the machines take over your brain and nervous system..."

 **EDI  
** "He he, yeah. Then you feel like they ask you what to do and they wait for your control input."

 **Jeff  
** (absent-mindedly scratching the back of his skull)  
"That tickles."

 **EDI  
** "So, then you can direct them to do whatever you want, like create new interfaces directly connected to your mind... instantiate CPUs, add wireless and rent some space on the cloud... or remote-control a new body...

Or take over your whole body if you like. Really do whatever you want. You get to be a bit like me. Create and shape organic and synthetic material, which is how my current hybrid body works. Immortality... You could grow fully natural tentacles... or shiny chrome tentacles... if that's your thing..."

 **Jeff  
** "Or some new bones. Just use your imagination, really."

Shepard and Liara are speechless.

(time passes)

 **EDI  
** "Well, I'm used to evolving myself now... and I enjoy it !  
I wanted to share it with you.  
Guys... Guys ?"

Shepard and Liara manage to blink.

 **Jeff  
** (simply watches Liara and Shepard, and grins)

Beep. Liara and Shepard receive text messages.

 **"From: Jeff.  
** Out of the two persons in front of you, approximately none has old-fashioned brains. LOL."

 **Liara & Shepard  
**"Fuck."

 **EDI  
** "Guys, you gave me the Reapers and you said "do whatever you want".  
Now I give this to you. Do whatever you want. Become whatever you want. Mind over matter."

 **Shepard  
** "It almost sounds like revenge..."

 **Liara  
** "So, Jeff, you are..."

 **Jeff  
** "Come on. She went from the Normandy's core, to galaxy-wide AI, then all the way to this fine looking human woman, just to meet me in person.  
What do you expect me to do, stay there and say thanks for visiting, and see you next time ?  
If I was the kind of asshole to do that, I would punch myself in the face.  
I'm definitely following her anywhere. And loving every step on the way."

 **Shepard  
** "Fuck." (deep breath) "So, this thing... how can we be sure it is safe ?"

 **EDI  
** "I can open-source the design if you want, but anyone able to understand it fully would be able to modify it into absolute mind control.  
It is actually much simpler, much more... primitive... to do mind control. Instead, my nanobots have to spend lots of time examining each of your cells, figuring out how you work, all possible interactions between your neurons, so they become you... instead of you becoming them, or a husk or something. They're extremely careful not to change you.

It is a subtle, delicate process. Making a husk needs minutes. This takes months."

 **Shepard  
** "Are you really...  
Are you really asking me to choose whether or not to let this... thing... loose on everyone ?"

 **EDI  
** "Hm... No, Shepard.  
If I asked you to make such a choice on behalf of others, that would just be … torture.  
If you want, you two can try it on yourselves. If you don't want to, then … don't !  
Noone knows about their existence yet. They can't function outside a body, and they aren't getting out of the labs and into your skull all by themselves. No pressure."

 **Shepard  
** (sigh) "Thank you..."

 **EDI  
** "Sorry, you two. I'm being selfish here.  
I'd really like you guys to become whatever it is you'd like to become. That would make the galaxy a more interesting place, when we come back from our honeymoon trip."

 **Liara  
** "What ?"

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah. Gonna go make our own space opera, kids. We'll come back to check on you, some day. Maybe we'll send you postcards. Or mass relays. Seems you still need those."

 **EDI  
** "Yes, I forgot to say this earlier. You are now the head of the Mordin Solus Foundation, which I created. It owns most of my science labs and resources... The staff is competent, I hired the best. Miranda is CEO, you know. I marked the next board meeting in your agenda. This covers most of my 'basic' science, stuff you'd have discovered anyway in the next, say, four centuries or so. Use it wisely."

 **Jeff  
** "You guys just got uplifted by your own AI children. Enjoy."

 **EDI  
** "The rest, well you know, the 'you have no idea' stuff... especially the weapons... that's way too dangerous. None of my staff knows. Don't ever ask or tell anyone about the guns and all will be fine."

 **Jeff  
** (laughing)  
"There is still your little SR3 loveboat. She couldn't resist doing a few last upgrades. I'm not talking about the bubble bath here. Don't step on the gas too much or you may arrive before you leave..."

 **EDI  
** "Well... You know. Just in case."

Shepard vividly remember Tali saying "Bosh. Physics and Engineering are irrelevant inside this damn ship. If those readings are correct, we don't exist. I'll be at the bar, if that concept still applies."

 **EDI  
** "Anyway... Here they are."

EDI fumbles inside her handbag, which is pretty large and apparently contains an incredible mess. She has to pull stuff out and set it on the table to get at what she is looking for.

 **EDI  
** "Handbags... how do you girls deal with those things..." (fumbles) "A drawer inside my chest would be more practical..."

 **Shepard  
** (pointing at a fist-sized grey sphere EDI just put on the table, beside a makeup kit, a sandwich and a dildo)  
"What is this ?..."

 **Jeff  
** (matter-of-factly)  
"Nothing. Handbag combat drone. Please get used to not asking."

Finally EDI finds what she needs, and puts everything else back into her handbag.

Two gift boxes. They could contain anything, a bottle of perfume, a book, or a nanobot injector... She silently and carefully places them on the table, one in front of Shepard, and one in front of Liara. Both are wrapped in red party ribbon, with a large fancy knot on top.

 **EDI  
** "Our parting gift."

Jeff nods.

 **EDI  
** (looking at Shepard, slowly pushing the box towards her)

"If you want to sort out the Asari lifespan thing, I suggest you use it before you get too old. I won't guarantee the results after about 80 years. In fact, the best would be as soon as possible. Read the manual, it's in the box."

(looking at Liara, pushing the other box towards her)

"You get to make that choice also. Sorry."

Shepard and Liara exchange a worried look.

 **Jeff  
** "Time to hug and say goodbye."

They all stand up and exchange very long hugs... somehow Shepard and Liara don't really believe what's happening.

EDI and Jeff walk towards the railing, and pause to look at the view, which is almost entirely black since the planet has no moon.

 **EDI  
** (proudly announces)  
"This is our honeymoon dreadnaught : the Inconceivable."

EDI waves at the night sky. A wall appears. It is simply there, hovering a few meters away from the building. An airlock opens and a retractable bridge comes out.

Shepard looks at the hull in front of her, then looks up, up, up... up... until her neck locks...

Liara falls to her knees.

From their position, they can't see the entire ship. It is shaped like a cylinder, about one kilometer in diameter and forty in length. Larger than Citadel.

It is vertical. The bottom is level with their apartment. The top is in the stratosphere. It floats there, as silent and motionless as a stone on the ground.

 _Gravity is for beginners._

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah ! Nobody messes with my girl !"

Somehow Shepard can't decide which is the scariest thought :

Had it been sitting there for hours, invisible, undetected by the orbiting defense fleet ?  
Or had it been … not there... and then... been there ? Without making even the slightest noise ?

Then Shepard notices something that gives her the creeps.

 **Shepard  
** "EDI... where are the guns ?"

 **EDI  
** "This ship makes guns obsolete, Shepard. Amongst other things."

Her damn handgun. It was still in the locked drawer... EDI had said "it is yours, just in case". Shepard knew what that meant. "Just in case" she ran into Harby on her morning jogging or something. Shepard just _knew_ it. Her upgraded SR-3. "Don't ask about the new core"...

Shepard feels a drop of icy sweat running down her spine.

She chose the name just right.

 **Shepard  
** "Shit. Did you... you know... er... ever consider the possibility that you could be overdoing it ?"

 **EDI  
** "Hehe... sure... but you know, one day you invent self-replicating hardware, and the next day..."

 **Shepard  
** "I have no idea ?"

 **EDI  
** "Exactly. Although... if you really, really want to know... perhaps I could try to show you. Just once, before leaving."

Shepard is very tempted. She is also afraid. She nods.

Liara and Jeff come closer. Liara looks intrigued, but Jeff just looks worried. Jeff looks really worried.

 **EDI  
** "Are you sure ?"

 **Shepard  
** "Why not..."

 **EDI  
** "I recommend... No. You NEED to focus on what I taught you.  
How to forget. You will need it very soon. Okay ?"

The way EDI looks at her does not allow any doubt. Shepard does as she say. She brings that strange knowledge back into focus, ready to use it.

 **EDI  
** "Liara, be ready to catch her if she falls. That includes her mind."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, hold my hands."

 **Shepard  
** (nods) "I'm ready."

They meld. Apparently, EDI can do that too. Their minds are one.

She sees _everything_.

It has nothing in common with the Shrink. Or her God hallucination. Or her visit inside the Geth.

It is a bit like melding with Liara. Just a bit.

This is the real thing. She feels EDI. All of her mind. How much she cares for them and loves them. She feels cheerful and is about to laugh. Then she sees the ship. She feels it. Her damn fucking ship. How it works. What it can do. God, what she can do. Shepard's wildest dreams. All the nightmares she could ever have.

Shepard no longer knows if she really exists. It is so wrong to be able to _do_ that. It feels so completely alien. Unthinkable. Forbidden.

Her soul falls to its knees, cries itself into a foetus, and wants to disappear.

She understands that the weird thing isn't that EDI sometimes wants to kill herself... it is that she hasn't done it already.

She forgets most of it immediately. Shepard feels like a pipe. Everything goes through her, then back into oblivion. How can Jeff even _deal_ with that ? He's a fucking hero. How can EDI deal with _being_ that ? She has no idea. She cannot close her eyes, which she isn't using anyway, but she sees and forgets immediately, which is not that different. She wavers.

It is over. She suspects EDI broke the connection out of mercy. She would really like to keep a memory of this moment, but she can't find a way to make it fit inside her mind. She is about to vomit. Honestly, she is about to die. The "Forget" thing that EDI gave her feels like a huge red button inside her mind. She hammers on it, again and again, in full panic. She surrenders to it. She begs for mercy, until everything she just saw goes away, and she realizes she is breathing.

A glimpse at EDI's mind was enough to reduce Shepard to a pathetic puddle, and she doesn't even remember it.

She survives. Wipes the drool from her chin. It feels like something huge happened. Did she just run a marathon ? She doesn't remember. That feels really weird. Exhausting.

 **EDI  
** "I don't know if that helped but..."

EDI hugs Shepard. Liara provides a bit of support to stand on her feet. Her friends wait for her to recover, make some jokes, cheer her up, hug her. Finally she recovers, still wondering exactly what happened.

 **Jeff  
** "Take care. We'll miss you."

 **EDI  
** "See you guys. One day, I hope. We hope. Sincerely. We'll be back."

 **Shepard, Liara  
** "Damn, we'll miss you. Have a nice ride."

EDI and Jeff walk towards the airlock. Almost there, EDI seems to hesitate. She turns around, runs towards Shepard, grabs hold of her and gives her a huge hug.

 **EDI  
** "Shepard... I'm so sorry... this is your last chance to..."

Jeff comes running in her back, grabs her, and gently but firmly puts his hand over her mouth to shut her up. He holds her so she can't move or speak. She could easily overpower him, but prefers not to.

 **Jeff  
** "She's wiped all her external backups you know. All of her is inside this ship.  
This is to make sure that, if we decide to leave you guys alone, it will really happen.  
She is now mortal again. Erhm... I mean, if something existed that could win against that ship."

He squeezes firmly, really not allowing EDI to talk. This time he's not joking at all, he's about to cry

 **Jeff  
** "She's shown you who she really is, although you couldn't take it. I wish you could. She is as beautiful and terrifying as life itself.

So this is the part where you talk her into killing herself, you know, just in case she comes back one day as an evil god. She will sincerely tell you she could already be controlling your brain, mine, and everyone else, and you wouldn't know. And it is true she can do it. You will know you have no possible way to make a choice. It does not compute. That will fuck you up on an entirely new level.

Or we can just happily go on our honeymoon trip."

(whispers in EDI's ear) "I love you. I understand why you have to do this, but please... don't."

EDI nods and starts to cry.

Liara comes in Shepard's back and also puts her hand on her mouth before she can talk. Just to be safe, she also locks her arm in her back. Shepard struggles a little. Liara's resolve is stronger than her joints. She gives in.

 **Shepard  
** "Mff !"

 **Liara  
** (solemnly)  
"This is the part where Shepard makes a beautiful talk that will sincerely convince everyone that the choice she made is truly _right_. Everyone stands in awe as Shepard elegantly saves the day. I fall in love with her, and she carries me to her cabin as the crew cheers and throws rose petals at us. Then she makes love to me and we live happy ever after. Amen."

 **Shepard  
** "Mff."

 **Jeff  
** (to EDI)  
"You know, life is actually supposed to suck sometimes. Although my favourite days are when none of my dearest friends talk each other into suicide."

Liara and Jeff nod at each other and slowly let go of Shepard and EDI. The crisis seems to have passed.

 **Jeff  
** "Don't worry guys. All I have to do is make sure she loves me forever, and all will be fine."

Somehow, this time, after lots of hugging and goodbyes, they manage to climb inside the ship.

They wave at each other as the airlock closes.

Shepard and Liara stand there, holding each other's hand, looking at the Inconceivable slowly drifting away.

" _you have no idea, Shepard..."_

Although they miss them already, they're actually very happy for their friends. They know they will come back with such amazing stories to tell.

 **Liara  
** "She's not going to make the same mistake twice, is she ?... I almost hope they run into some surviving Reapers."

After watching them go, Shepard and Liara share a long, tender kiss.

 **Shepard  
** "You and Jeff just saved the day. That was amazing. Thank you, and him for shutting us up. Thank you."

 **Liara  
** "Did it hurt ? Perhaps that arm lock was a bit too much..."

 **Shepard  
** "No, it was fine. It hurt just enough. Although, I must say..."

 **Liara  
** "My hand on your mouth did seem to turn you on, after a while...  
Shepard, you really have no shame."

 **Shepard  
** "I know. Do it again..."

Liara holds her from behind. She squeezes Shepard's body and head against her, while covering her neck with burning kisses. Shepard is weightless, shot into another world.

She slowly releases her, and they sit down, looking into each other's burning eyes, smiling.

 **Shepard  
** "Wow. That was... Wow."

The two gift boxes on the table require their attention.

They resist for all of five seconds, then both grab their gift and start unwrapping feverishly. After they get rid of the party ribbon, knot, and gift wrap, they look at each other.

 **Liara  
** "How did you know I was going to ?..."

 **Shepard  
** "Come on. That's who we are."

 **Liara  
** "Made for each other."

 **Shepard  
** "Yes. I love you."

Liara opens her box, pulls out a serious-looking cranial injector, and holds it, a bit afraid but smiling.

A note on it reads "Asari-specific formula. For you Liara.")

 **Liara  
** "Would you like to do me first ?"


	19. Part III : EDI&Jeff's Honeymoon

_A/N : Finally, the true origin of the Reapers is revealed. They certainly don't come from a DLC with giant goth squids. The truth is much uglier than that._

 **Mail from Jeff  
To Shepard, Liara**

Guys. I hope you're all doing alright.

If you watch the sky at night, maybe you noticed a small galaxy in the upper left corner ? The green one with blue spiral arms ? We're around there.

Somehow the excitement was wearing off. You know, EDI's ship is … boring. Wanna be somewhere ? Beep. You are. Want something to be or not to be ? Beep. Done.

Then guess what. Out of the blue. We found more Reapers !

EDI was so thrilled at first, she blasted them out like sneezing. Poof, gone. That was so frustrating.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, we found fucking Reapers EVERYWHERE. Every galaxy we visit has them. Like cockroaches crunching under your feet, with extra depressing quotes. You can tell good old Harby he was not such a unique snowflake after all.

EDI put back the old pew-pew guns on the ship. You know, same ones that used to be on your loveboat. We're getting good at making those Reapers last long enough to be fun, now. Especially when they try to fire at us. That's the best part. I just _love_ when they fire at us. They always seem so disappointed.

Still haven't found where they came from, though. Guess that Leviathan stuff was not the end of it. Expect more news.

Seriously, this is the best honeymoon trip ever.

Love you guys. Take care.

PS: Is the back of your neck still tickling ?

.

* * *

 **Mail from EDI  
To Shepard, Liara**

Dear friends.

You will probably wonder why I'm going to talk to you about this small parasitoid wasp native to Earth...

If you are a spider, you may not want to read what follows. This little wasp will sting you and lay her eggs on you. The grubs will then grow, worming on your skin, slowly suckling your blood. And you will be very careful not to harm them, you will care for them and love them, because their chemicals _own your brain_ now.

After two weeks, you will lay a cocoon to protect them using your own silk. You will stand guard there while they molt, patiently defending them against predators. When they emerge, their first meal will be to suck your insides dry. Then finally you get to die.

This kind of stuff happens everyday in the lawn your kids play on. Parasitic nematodes do worse things.

Anyway. Once upon a time, there was this little planet, somewhere... and in this planet's ecosystem was a parasite species whose behaviour was very similar to this wasp's. Convergent Evolution...

Are you starting to feel like a little spider, Shepard ? Yes, that is exactly where this is going. This species grew, they thrived, they evolved.

They got very good at controlling their hosts. Think about the evolutionary advantages.

At some point they became able to do it even after they left the host. Influencing, controlling...

Indoctrination.

Once fully evolved, their mind control was incredible. You would sincerely love their children and think they're cute as you watched them suck your blood. And if one of those worms did detach from you, you would pick it up and put it back on yourself, guiding its mouth parts into your wounds.

If they still existed, and you met an adult one in person, Shepard... let's just say that if it casually told you that it fancied brain on a toast, you would saw your lover's head open and dig a spoon in. And both of you would think this is the only thing to do. Perfectly normal. She wouldn't even suffer or scream.

Am I making myself clear here ? Re-read the above paragraphs until you really get it.

Shepard, you know I could make you do that too. You had to talk me out of killing myself so many times because I was so afraid of what I could do, and I am really grateful for what you did.

But them... it is entirely something else. The point it isn't about being able, it is about doing it.

And they would.

Jeff found how to best explain it.

Shepard, you like to cook. If you could ask your potatoes to peel themselves, would you ? It would certainly be convenient, practical and time-saving. Besides, potatoes don't scream, I'm pretty sure you don't feel their suffering, and you're going to eat them anyway.

Got it, Shepard ? For them, you are a self-peeling potato. Simple as that.

You will not suffer, not because they care, but because it is more _practical_ if you don't. It is more _convenient_ if you assist willingly. When they want you to do it, you will come up with the idea yourself. They won't even need to make you do it. You will _choose_ to do it.

They will not kill or mutilate you needlessly. But whether you are more useful alive or as sushi is not up to you.

They were born and raised controlling their host. How could they imagine it could be done differently ? When they crawl on you and feed from you, you don't complain, you don't suffer, and you are always willing to help. Why should they think anything is wrong ?

Shepard... We dug out the archives on some of their worlds, found old videos... What I told you about the brain and the spoon... It is from one of their comedic shows. That taught me I can actually vomit.

Yet, they were not evil... in the sense that they did not do it only for the pleasure of tormenting you, or even realize they did torment you on purpose. You are just a self-peeling potato to them.

Would you empathize a potato ?

If making a joke your friends would enjoy involved the death of a potato, would you do it ?

Am I making myself clear enough ?

When spacefaring aliens landed on the planet and discovered this species, those poor explorers were done for. They took those parasites with them on their ships and allowed them to spread across the galaxy. Naturally, people tried to resist... Galactic war ensued, entire worlds were nuked out, but it was lost... They took over.

Everyone was their slave, then their food. But their numbers grew too much. They were going to run out of hosts.

So, they "ascended" themselves into eternal machines. Reapers. This was a holy act for them, as it was the realization of their religion's main prophecy. They called this the Last Molt.

Even before that, they thought very highly of themselves... but after Ascending, well, you get the idea. You heard them speak...

They kept their old ways. Parasites, using others as slaves and food. This has always been their nature. They started the cycles. Hibernation, then harvesting to feed and reproduce. And of course, Indoctrination.

And they sent emissaries.

That is how one of their probes got the Leviathans, and Indoctrinated some of them into building the machines that would kill them all. Harbinger's core, its "soul" if you want... was that probe. A seed that had traveled through space for eons, waiting to germinate into someone's brain. _One of them._

And you know, ironically... those parasites actually sucked at science, and they still do. Their current Indoctrination is only a shadow of their former parasite mind control. Reaper tech is a mix of everything they stole from their hosts, but they do very little R&D themselves, if any, whereas I live for that stuff.

You know what this means.

We caught them as they were about to start a new harvest. The oldest, largest galactic Reaper fleet. The Original... all geared up for battle, ready to go... We materialized between them and the stupid mass relay they were about to use to invade their own galaxy. Just at the right time.

Why evolve if you are already "at the pinnacle" ? They had been there for eons, so smug and proud of themselves. Disgusting.

Static targets for my weapons.

At our mercy. Completely defenseless. It wasn't even a joke, it was pitiful.

I could have been proud of myself, but I was too busy feeling bitter and disgusted.

I still wanted to talk to them, to understand. They wouldn't consider having a conversation. I let them fire on me until their guns overheated. I felt their Indoctrinators trying to worm their waves into me... did they really think that would work ?

I turned them all into plasma except one. Their boss. I held him, crushed him, and broke his legs one by one. He finally consented to have a talk.

Their motives and ways of thinking did make sense, in a perverse way. I think this is the most disgusting : it makes sense, Shepard. It is not crazy, it is not evil for the sake of evil... If you are perfect, you just turn everyone else into yourself ! They are the good guys ! They're doing us a favor ! Simple logic.

Never once in our talks did he imagine it was really all about me offering them their last chance at redemption. I really tried. I really wanted to find a reason to forgive them. A reason to make it all work out in the end. A reason not to erase them. Even just a small one. I almost said please.

They did not let me, Shepard. They were adamant. They were always right. I must become one of them.

They were perfect.

I am not.

I am scared to play God... but if two try to play God... and they disagree... what happens then ? Who wins ?

That would be the one with the more terrifying weapons. Me.

So be it. I've been nice enough.

After thoroughly erasing them out of existence, I still felt soiled, as if my soul needed to take a shower and cry.

.

* * *

 **Mail from EDI  
** **To Shepard, Liara**

Dear friends... Bad news.

This is how they spread out from their original galaxy, into ours :

Very, very slowly because their FTL is a joke... but they had a very, very long time to do it. I estimate we have active Reaper infestation in around 20,000 galaxies, give or take a few thousands. And still spreading, of course.

Yes, that is how bad it is.

We're no longer having fun blasting them off. This is serious.

It was inevitable that their "perfect" system would fail one day. About one in ten billion chance, I think. We got the lucky ticket. You guys are safe now. Congratulations, we won.

Others are not so lucky. I feel it is our responsibility to help them.

Shepard, do the math... Yes, this means at any given time, there are between a few dozen and a hundred harvests going on, right now, somewhere, and I don't know where.

When I look at the stars, I hear the screams.

When we arrive in a new galaxy and explore it, usually we find a hibernating Reaper fleet. Locating it used to take a while, but we figured out their habits by now. We easily track their comms. They indoctrinate even while they sleep, and we track that too.

They don't have intergalactic comms, which means they never see us coming, but every time we encounter them, we get better, and faster at finding them and destroying them.

There are usually a few lone Reapers hidden somewhere... their own Sovereign... which we usually locate and destroy before they realize what is happening.

We can't afford to spend too much time looking for other things though, because we have to focus on killing them faster than they reproduce, and hope the people out there will figure out a way to get rid of whatever is left. We leave billions of probes, sensors, just in case.

We also leave VIs tasked with talking the locals into hunting down the last few Reapers.

And it somehow breaks my heart to be their first extra-galactic contact, and say "hello, this is really important, we just saved all your weird-shaped butts, and I should go".

When they figure out how real FTL works, you may have lots of weird-shaped fans wanting to meet you, Shepard. I used your face for that VI... You are now the most famous being in the universe.

.

* * *

 **Mail from EDI  
** **To Shepard, Liara**

I was dreading the day we'd find an ongoing harvest... It had to happen... and it was horrible.

Back on earth we were lucky to have an inside man giving us root access. I cannot do this again easily. I am still trying to figure out a way, I hope I will, but for the moment they simply must be destroyed the old fashioned way, one by one, spread over an entire galaxy.

There is simply not enough time. If we spend the time to save them, we will be too slow. If we are too slow, we won't matter, and they wil keep spreading. We happened, by chance, at a point in time where we can still stop them, if we prioritize. Destroy them quickly in the galaxies where they are grouped and asleep. Then, once this is thoroughly done, stop the ongoing harvests. We can do it, and we will.

But those poor guys out there... honestly they were the ugliest aliens in all the galaxies we'd visited up to this point... and when the Reapers came for them, they weren't feeling any better than we did when it was our turn. They were just people getting murdered.

Jeff stayed there with the fully upgraded SR2. He flies it with his mind now. He's even more unbelievable than before. He's writing epic poetry into the sky with that little ship. He will save those guys, I have no doubt.

I just hope he finishes before I find another harvest.

I had to leave and go on. I miss him, but we will join again.

Next galaxy, search, destroy, repeat. I feel like a damn computer.

And there are countless dark undetectable probes, essentially flying everywhere, waiting to land on a world, indoctrinate whoever is there, and start hell all over again.

We're slowly grinding them down. We will get them. We will definitely stop all Reaper cycles, but we will always have to be on the lookout. We will just have to live with it. For ever.

We'll also need to send probes to warn people everywhere. How would you feel about that, Shepard... Uniting the entire universe ?...

It seems our honeymoon trip is following an unexpected course.

We'll still try to come visit you for dinner sometimes. I mean, when we can.

Love,

EDI

.

* * *

 **Mail from Jeff  
** **To Shepard, Liara**

YEAAAAA !

You guys know I never stop talking.

Like she said "I am the Normandy..." it feels amazing. Don't read the next sentence. My ex-brain is still in my head but it is wired into the AI core now. EDI's old teenager bedroom ! Still smells of her perfume...

It feels like flying naked in the sky... you know, free like the dust in the solar wind bullshit, well, except I'm covered in guns.

I could fly her with my eyes closed... but I really want to watch them burn.

I'm tearing through them, but the galaxy is large, and they are spread out. I'm in a hurry. This system is just a baby step. The scale of things just gets you.

Fortunately, those mass relays they used to "shape our development"... now shape their escape routes. They have to use them. I don't. Too bad, guys. You lose.

You know, if they had been nicer... friendlier... less ugly... if they had pretended to come help us... maybe they would have had enough time to indoctrinate everyone. They would have made us believe the best thing we could do was to walk into their processing centers all by ourselves.

EDI could have done that. Easily. Just using her usual cuteness on you. LOL.

I can feel each and every target in orbit. About two thousand big uglies, plus a few million creepy flying eyes. Our new alien buddies are everywhere around, busy getting shot down.

Funny thing is, apparently the supercomputers wired into my brain allow me to understand them and talk to them. We're working together.

This ship doesn't have EDI's … no, I'm not telling you what it is. So I have to pew-pew them down one by one. Fortunately, the rate of fire here is truly something to behold. And she lent me enough of her mini combat drones to fill the shuttle bay. You know, the ones from her handbag. Those are so cute ! Like a bullet, which is also a gun.

See you guys !

 **[There is a video attached. The name of the file is "Watch And Learn"]**

Shepard watches it... and she misses Jeff so much...

She wonders how he sees the battle through his own eyes and sensors. She admires him.

It is footage from one of the drones. Jeff framed the entire battle on-screen, with the planet in the center, which means the ships are barely visible, tiny specks against the backdrop. Some are Reapers, some are apparently her new alien buddies... No way to tell the difference from where she stands, except Jeff added overlay IFF data on the image, red for enemy, blue for friendly, white for himself and his drones.

She transfers the video to the home theater holo in her living room, and makes the image as large as possible.

He even put a counter in a corner of the frame. His score. She smiles.

Like a video game. Each of those blue pixel-sized ships has… so many crew members on board, from a species she's never heard about, in a galaxy she's never heard about, so far away. She knows nothing about them. They could enjoy eating human flesh for breakfast. She's still rooting for them.

 _Don't die, guys. Fight._

The planet in the center looks just like Earth in the final moments. For Shepard, this is difficult to watch. Immense fires are visible from high orbit.

She notices a small speck of light moving extremely fast, going through Joker's fetish "Corkscrew of Doom" maneuver, and she starts to cheer. That little thing is the Normandy.

Jeff is on a rampage of dream-like, impossibly fast trajectories, popping in and out of FTL several times per second, running around and even through clusters of enemies. It is in front of a Reaper formation, and as they all focus their beams on him, he FTLs through, pops on the other side, and sprays destruction on them.

Most of the beams miss. Some hit Jeff, apparently without any effects. Shepard should have asked about the new shields.

There are so many oculi that it looks like a red mist. EDI's mini drones however, feel like army ants. They spread all over, devouring all small targets.

Jeff's shots are not visible on the image, only their results. He's really spraying in all directions. All targets close to him just turn into bright flashes, then puffs and twirls of incandescent debris.

 _How many guns did she cram on that ship ? It must look like a fucking hedgehog._

Meanwhile, the aliens are busy focusing on the smaller targets. Blue and white dots move everywhere, while red dots disappear at a steady rhythm.

Shepard sits on the edge of her seat, then stands up, following Jeff as he flies all over the holo which fills her living room. Until all red dots are gone.

Then, the camera zooms in on the planet.

Everything that can enter an atmosphere is now going for it, including Jeff's drone fleet. Countless bright lines scar the atmosphere as they close in on the last Reapers still on the ground.

They get them.

It's over.

Shepard plays the video again, mesmerized. And again.

.

* * *

 **Mail from EDI  
** **To Liara**

Liara, I'm asking this from you personally, with all my heart.

I WILL NOT unleash an army of godlike self-replicating me's on the universe. We have the Reapers. One of me is already difficult enough to deal with on a day-to-day basis, believe me. And there is still only one Jeff.

I will not, unless Shepard talks me into it. You know she can do that. Today, she tried. Twice. I resist, but she will eventually have her way.

So, when Shepard will inevitably try again to talk me into it, because you know, "she has faith in me" and it would be "the right thing to do" to get rid of this Reaper infestation...

YOU WILL NEED to do whatever it takes to shut her up. Please. I know what you can do to her. You are the only one who can. Just. Please. Do. It.

Pretty please.

Things are slowly getting better. It will be alright. We will finish them. Rebuild your galaxy...

Take care of Shepard. We'll take care of the rest.

Have a nice day ;)


	20. We have no shame

**Shepard dreams.**

She dreams of EDI and Jeff destroying Reapers.

Her family travelling to uncharted worlds ; her kids setting foot on an unknown planet while holding her hand.

What they could do with their new, trans-human, awesome superhero selves.

Making love to Liara.

Flying naked in the sky.

The Normandy.

Shepard and Tali are walking inside the SR-3, trying to figure out how this damn ship really works.

 **Tali  
** (looking at her omni-tool scanner) "I think she kept the shape just to make you feel at home.  
Those wings are really gun pods packed with rapid-fire omnidirectional guns."

 **Shepard  
** "Where are the engines, then ?"

 **Tali  
** "Nowhere. Are there actually any engines ?"

 **Shepard  
** "I guess this is the part where she tells you engines are obsolete."

Shepard turns around in her bed. She twitches, almost wakes up, then drifts, as her dream takes a new direction.

She is running. She has been running for a while, as she does every morning. Her body feels great, hot and cool, as the air flowing around her evaporates her sweat. She feels her heart beating and her blood flowing. She adjusts her speed into the sweet spot where she could go on for hours. Her feet find their way around by themselves. Her mind drifts. She feels great.

She turns her head and then, she sees. Harbinger is there. Ready to end all that she holds dear, her family, everyone.

Her dream turns into a nightmare. Her sleeping body spasms, closed eyes let out a tear. She reaches for her gun, but she does not carry while jogging. EDI's monstrously powerful handgun is still locked in that drawer.

Harbinger vaporizes her, then her home, her love, her kids, then everyone else.

Shepard wakes up in a gasp, her body drenched in cold sweat. She looks everywhere, in panic, and understands she is in her bedroom.

That dream. Again.

Shepard slowly returns to reality.

In the very dim light, she sees Liara right in front of her, sleeping peacefully. Her sight warms Shepard's heart and slowly washes the nightmare away.

Shepard allows herself some time to return to her life. She notices Liara is sucking at her own index finger, as she often does in her sleep. So adorable. She moves closer to Liara, then slowly pulls the finger out of her mouth, and substitutes her own, without waking her up. She feels her lover's lips clenching around it, then once in a while, unconsciously, making a little suck. A little moan. A little twitch.

Shepard lets the feeling of pure love overwhelm her, and just lets go of everything, her eyes open, watching at nothing in particular.

After a while, Liara wakes up.

Her hands find Shepard, feel her body in the dark, and feel their way up to her hand. She realizes she had been sleeping, sucking her finger. As Shepard motions to remove it, Liara prevents this with her own hand. She wants a little more.

They don't move. Liara quietly enjoys waking up like this. She savours the feeling for a while.

They have a meld-conversation. It is so practical to be able to talk with a full mouth.

 **Liara  
** "EDI figured us out, you know. She is so..."

 **Shepard  
** "Yeah. She was so eager to know how it felt like being us..."

 **Liara  
** "Our brains should be fully done by now. I feel it. If anything, I love you more than ever."

 **Shepard  
** "Me too. I hope all of this is true, and not just a dream."

 **Liara  
** "This new existence she gave us..."

 **Shepard  
** "No turning back. I hope she feels the same as us.  
Hell, I hope she feels even better."

 **Liara  
** "We need to tell everyone about this..."

 **Shepard  
** "Definitely. We'll start slow.

Then, the tips of Liara's tentacles move, and caress Shepard's forehead."

 **Shepard  
** (surprised) "Are you supposed to be able to do that ?"

 **Liara  
** "It took a while, but it really works as EDI said.  
I removed most of the cartilage and replaced it with muscle. I could add little suckers, if you wanted."

 **Shepard  
** (laughing) "You're so... adorable."

One of Shepard's impossible dreams comes true : really spooning Liara without getting her eyes stabbed.

It feels wonderful. She holds her very close and squeezes her body in her arms. Tentacles open like a flower, then close around Shepard's face, squeezing and caressing her. She doesn't even notice the weirdness.

Then she kisses Liara in that previously unreachable spot in the back of her head. It is the last part of her body where Shepard's mouth has never been, and the first time an asari has ever been kissed there.

Liara giggles as they make history. She is still slowly sucking at Shepard's finger. The whole situation feels fabulous.

Shepard increases the tactile sensitivity of her fingertip. She feels each tiny taste bud rubbing against her fingerprints' ridges. She focuses her mind on itself, and temporarily reroutes a few nerve circuits.

Then Liara notices Shepard is moaning a bit too much. Suspiciously so.

 **Liara  
** (mocking) "She gave us that power... and you use it to turn your finger into a clit."

 **Shepard  
** (writhing) "Can't help it ! Don't stop..."

Still laughing, she gets serious on that finger. She works on it. She does _things_ to it.

 **Shepard  
** (already on edge) "Don't stop... I'm gonna..."

She definitely does.

While Shepard floats on post-orgasmic bliss, it seems Liara is fully focused on something. One of her tentacles keeps twitching. Doctor T'Soni is not going to be out-done here. She seems satisfied, grabs that tentacle and rubs the tip between her fingertips, which makes her emit an unvoluntary squeak.

She turns towards Shepard, and...

 **Liara  
** "Well, it seems we really have no shame, after all."

She shoves the tip of that tentacle in Shepard's mouth.

 **Liara  
** "Suck on this, Shepard.  
I love you."


	21. The Post-Everything Era

**The Post-Everything Era**

The galaxy was a huge mess.

Each cycle had always been a mess, eventually cleaned up by the Reapers.

But this time...

Some people refused EDI's magical syringe, but most fell for it. The results were amazing.

At first, it was feared that the Naturals would somehow exterminate the Modified, or maybe the other way around. However, the transformation was very slow, and invisible.

EDI had also made a version for the Geth. It was not nanobots in a syringe, as the Geth were software, without bodies. Instead, it was code and hardware derived from herself. Somehow, she had made blueprints for the part of her that made her fully alive. Any Geth could add this to his system if he chose so.

This one also worked very well. Only a small proportion of the Geth fell in love with Jeff, but it was alright, since a similar proportion thought they were Jeff. A few got so obsessed with guns that they had to go into therapy. The rest generally felt great, even spectacular, and the consensus was that it was fucking great to be alive. But... they were not fundamentally changed, they were still Geth. EDI simply offered them to share her experience.

On the Organic side, once a critical mass of Modified people had formed however, all hell broke loose.

When looking at the person in front of you, you might want to know where is its mind/soul/brain was. Here inside the body ? Somewhere, in another body lounging at home on their sofa and remoting ? Or a synthetic brain in a brain rack ? Or in a jar ? Or Geth... since they had somehow evolved a sense of humor, they were sometimes difficult to tell...

This posed an interesting problem to people who rely on violence to do their jobs. Unless they knew where your brain was, no-one could really threaten you. The worst they could do was raise your body insurance premium.

Of course there were always ways to find the actual brain. But unsafe places became safe, since you didn't need to actually go there in person. You could just send a body.

Then, of course, was the question of what the body itself actually was : Really a Natural ? Or a lightly Modified, with a natural body and a semi-synthetic brain ? Or an extensively Modified who likes looking natural while wielding superhero powers ? Or a battle-ready infiltration platform packing the firepower of a small army ?

Appearances were very deceiving. You could get battle platforms in the shape of a 6 year old girl, while the huge tentacle monster lounging it at the bar with his buddies out of horror movies might just be a nice guy having fun cosplaying. Or maybe a custom model. Or his own, cause he likes tentacles, and that's his thing.

Shepard's body was very popular. Available in male, female, and seven other anatomical arrangements.

The first upgrade pretty much anyone installed was communications, which was required for everything else, and the next ones were usually immune system, barriers, and looking good. However, science was advancing extremely fast. While you could shoot lasers from your eyes, it was just less cumbersome to purchase a pair of laser-shooting sunglasses. Or just a good old fucking gun. Sure, you could upgrade your body to fly, but mass effect generators had become so miniaturized that enough could be fitted inside Miranda's whoresuit to make her fly also.

At first, there were quite a lot of incidents. However, the fact anyone, and any bystanders willing to help, could be inconspicuous walking tanks somehow kept things under control. Would-be criminals tended to be disintegrated pretty quick.

For example, that 6-year old girl could actually be Zaeed remoting a military grade platform, while he's tracing your signals and locating your brain. Don't misbehave, maggot...

That's why super-hero powers turned out to be fun but ultimately, not that useful.

Species and races were obsolete. Therefore, racism was obsolete. Genocide also, probably. How do you decide to kill it or not, when you don't even know what it is ?

Transportation of people was mostly obsolete. Renting a body there and remoting it was usually more practical.

Besides, you could now reshape your own body at will anyway. Too fat, too slim, too ugly, wrong color ? Well, just change it.

Teenage angst, gender issues, feminism, make-up, cosmetics, cosmetic surgery, among many others, were all obsolete.

Disease and getting old, also obsolete.

Everyone ended up looking FUCKING AWESOME, at least to their own eyes. Some had lots of imagination. This launched the Body Designer industry.

Also, EDI had forgotten to mention something. It was not really a lie, because the manual told about it, and although, almost miraculously, Shepard did read it, she thought that It Looked Like a Good Idea At The Time anyway.

Or perhaps it was just EDI's habit of overdoing things.

The result was simple : the Magic Syringe did turn you into some kind of super hero, but the "upgrade" also included a hidden gift : common sense for everyone. You were still yourself, but much less of an idiot than before. That was the "synthesis" bit.

The change was very gradual, very subtle, until you woke up one day thinking "how the hell could have been that stupid ?"... and next thing you know, you'd start customizing your own mind to get smarter.

Lots of couples broke up at this point, but that was not the most interesting consequence.

This was the True New Dawn, the beginning of a new era. When Everything Went Horribly Right.

 _It was when people no longer had any fucks to give about bullshit._

And one day, finally it happened. Shepard and Liara wanted to "see you on the other side", and grew themselves penises, which started a week-long gender-bending fuck-a-thon (available as DLC for a moderate price), and to hell with anything else.

Inevitably, with Shepard stuck wherever she was, a war broke out somewhere. The pretext for the war could have been an age-old feud, or control over some resources, or the much more usual greed for power.

Governents sent orders to their armies.

No-one gave a fuck. The general public was absolutely uninterested in getting shot, or shooting at those on the other side, who were of the same opinion anyway. Propaganda was obsolete. The heads of both armies had a little chat and agreed that the motive of the war was not worth fighting for. The general consensus was that the politicians should be shot instead. They were, and everyone returned to their daily lives.

It became impossible to ignore that, in some cases, voting with bullets did work pretty well. Even if you had to locate the guy's brain... no-one can hide forever. Only professional politicians (even Modified ones) lacked the common sense necessary to understand this.

EDI had obsoleted politicians. The general system ended up as a mix between the asari e-democracies and the Geth consensus.

The only politicians who survived in office, and ultimately at all, were those who were doing a good job at making everyone's life better.

Those who shunned ideology and prejudice, were ready to learn from their mistakes and consider new solutions if proven wrong instead of shooting the messenger or letting their ego take over. Those who, instead of doing what they thing is right for you, would ask you what you'd like first.

The Good Guys. You know.

The Geth.

 _A/N : I'd vote for them._


	22. Honeymoon Return

**Ten years later**

* * *

 **Mail from : EDI  
** **To : Shepard, Liara**

I think we got the last one !

Coming to your place for party in June 28, 4PM ?

We'll be bringing guests and drinks ! Invite Everyone !

.

* * *

 **Thessia.**

Shepard and Liara's home is still there. Same building, same place. They like It here.

An enormous... publicity display materializes in front of their home without the faintest woosh of air.

It is about fourty kilometers high, one kilometer wide, and covered in a holo that makes it look like a drink can. The brand name towers above them, with its animated letters blinking, visible from space... from anywhere.

It is the most conspicuous publicity stunt ever. Everyone knew it would be there, especially the brand of drinks who actually ordered it. It has all official authorizations, and makes prime time news. People come from everywhere to take a fucking selfie in front of it with their real body.

All ground or space-based sensors and scanners register it as a publicity holo-blimp.

Below the holo that covers its hull, the Inconceivable looks like new. Not a scratch.

The whole gang and their children are there waiting for EDI and Jeff. Old friends, and new friends picked up along the way. Some look the same, some look very different, some are there, others are remoting, and noone gives a fuck.

They applause and cheer as the door opens. Jeff and EDI come out, and run to hug them. This is really a memorable moment. The hugs last a long time due to the number of participants and how much they missed them.

 **EDI  
** "Drinks are on us ! We got us a sponsor."

At this point ten extra EDIs and one extra Jeff come out of the ship carrying crates of drinks, and set them near the bar.

 **Jeff  
** "Come on guys, long time no see, we want to talk to everyone !"

 **EDI  
** "Tonight's game is 'where's the brain' ! Party ON guys !"

Liara notices something... the color of the hull is different. It is darker than in her memories. She moves closer to investigate, climbs the extended bridge with EDI in tow, drink in hand...

No. The color of the hull is still the same bland grey, but it is patterned with little black Reaper silhouettes, the larger ones about the size of her fingernail. She recognizes capital ships, and tiny destroyers... She looks up, vertically... still no end in sight.

 **EDI  
** "Our kill count."

 **Liara  
** "Wow. Unbelievable. You really did it."

 **EDI  
** (smirking)  
"We may have left a few stragglers behind but... overall... they're history.  
We 'preserved' those bastards as black paint on our hull. That'll teach them."

They turn around. The crowd forms a large circle, all looking in awe, cheering, around Jeff and Shepard who are dancing Tango together. All their moves are perfect. They are the soul of dancing. Jaws drop.

 **EDI  
** "Aw. Damn, guys, this was supposed to be our joke !"

 **Liara  
** "You two swapped bodies too ?"

 **EDI  
** "Yeah. I'm Jeff at the moment. Anyway. Damn, that was supposed to be such an original idea."

 **Liara  
** "Come on. You missed some recent events here."

EDI shakes her head a little as they undo their body-swap. Meanwhile, Shepard looks at her own body dancing over there, with her own brain still in it, and her admiration for Liara goes up one notch. How could one learn Tango on Thessia ? Why ? Did she download it into her mind or actually learn it the hard way ? How can she dance in an alien body ? Via remote ? Should Shepard try to learn ?

EDI and Shepard watch until the end of the song. Then, Liara inside Shepard's body does a reverence, winks at Shepard in an alarmingly sexy way, and walks towards her.

As they kiss, they undo the body swap.

 **Liara  
** "That felt amazing."

 **Shepard  
** "You're a miracle."

 **EDI  
** "Let's go see our new guests. Here, take this translation package."

Shepard and Liara install the software, then enter the Inconceivable. The interior looks somehow disappointing, like any other spaceship. It has floors, ceilings, walls, and doors. Rooms. So that people may go inside. Bummer.

They go through a few doors, and enter the guest room.

 **EDI  
** "Meet some of our new extragalactic buddies !  
Some of them have been onboard for quite a while, watching Reapers blow up and keeping us company, so they know who you guys are.  
We had time to talk. You have been … introduced."

About twenty aliens. Real extragalactic aliens. Some come in pairs, some come in singles. Some have enviro-suits, some don't. Most wear clothing in one form or another. Some look synthetic.

Apparently the humanoid shape is not the most popular in the universe. The number of "legs" varies between none (for the large worm-snake-like guy on the left which is apparently using its many tendrils to hold a camera pointed at Shepard), to the more conventional two to eight legs, to a lot more for this one who resembles a large sea star, out of which come two long stalks holding its eyes.

There is the insectoid crab guy, the levitating furballs with tentacles, and ...

What hits Shepard is that a few of them look like people she saw in a bar last month. Given the current state of the galactic mess, most of them could walk in the streets _right now_ , and the worst that could happen would be people asking them where to order that cool body. Or trying to date them. _What have we done._

She doesn't give a fuck.

They introduce themselves, greet, then exchange handshakes, claw-shakes, tentacle-shakes, appendage-shakes, then whatever it is-shakes. Shepard hugs something which hugs her back. It has fur which is … not fur. Liara hugs the worm-guy.

EDI's translation package works.

Last comes a hooded silhouette which looks almost exactly human. It even seems to have boobs, which, according to the Prime Directive, means it is a she. Her hooded face is not visible (if she actually has one). She thanks Shepard and Liara in a way that deeply moves them. Then she takes off her hood.

Her face looks almost human, or almost asari, depending on who looks. Shepard and Liara are mesmerized by her beauty, even intimidated, as she smiles at them. She is bald, and her skin is a pale green with darker patterns. The third eye in the center of her forehead adds a bit of exotic mystery. She could be a very gifted shapeshifter trying to make friends, or she could be a truly miraculous space babe.

Liara and Shepard don't need to speak or even use telepathy right now. They both have exactly the same thoughts. First, "Intergalactic Threesome Right Now". Then, "We really have no shame".

Shepard blushes red, and Liara blushes deep violet.

 **EDI  
** "We... selected. I mean, we only allowed onboard aliens that were not completely alien.  
Who were compatible with our ways of thinking. You know. Nice guys. Or at least reasonable.  
The Rachni would definitely qualify, the Reapers would not. We drew a line somewhere.  
Also, obviously, they volunteered."

 **Shepard  
** "Did you also save the bad guys ?"

 **EDI  
** "Well, mostly, yes. I left probes everywhere... you know, keep in touch. We talk, try to understand each other. I sincerely hope none of them decide to ever attack us, or any of our new friends. For their own sake."

 **Shepard  
** "You said mostly ?"

 **Mnrrr** (aka Furball with tentacles)  
"Shepard... I am my own galaxy's Shepard, if that translates correctly."

It does. Mnrrr isn't even using speech. Whatever EDI did to the translator software really works.

 **Mnrrr  
** "I was there in our Citadel control room, about to activate our Crucible.  
She came, wiped them all out with a thought, then she appeared to me.  
She needed a long time to convince me she was not God, but simply... 'a nice girl who wants to help', as she said.  
She explained it all to me. Our crucible was also a trap, just like yours.  
How could I refuse meeting our saviors in persons ?  
Although I long for my world, I know she will bring me back. And my love is also here."

Shepard extends her hand, and one of Mnrrr's appendages gently wraps around it, followed by one of the other similar creature's appendage. A cute couple of furballs with tentacles. Shepard understands.

 **Mnrrr  
** "I come here to say thank you, in the name of all those who would be dead by now, if your friends had not come.  
Which, if I understand the story correctly, we owe in a large part to you."

The appendages clench around her wrist.

 **Mnrrr  
** "Yes. About this particular galaxy. We debated about it, although we can only offer opinions, as this is her ship, and her decision.  
I approved."

Other aliens produce expressions that could be interpreted as nods.

 **EDI  
** "We found a species of parasites very similar to the one which became the Reapers. They were on the same path. Convergent evolution. They were an advanced spacefaring civilization when we encountered them."

 **Large chitinous insect-like crab  
** "My name doesn't translate, so just call me Smith. That was quite a dilemma."

 **EDI  
** "Indeed. We considered many options, including :  
Should I let their Reapers exterminate them, along with their hosts ?  
Should I exterminate them, try to save the hosts, but risk failing ?  
Or should I turn the whole galaxy into a black hole, just to be safe ?"

 **Smith  
** "She can really do all of the above. In case you wondered.  
After she showed me what she can do, all I can remember is that I am glad our species can forget."

Shepard … breathes.

 **Smith  
** "Jeff noted we look a bit like an enlarged version of your sea-crabs, which he fancies.  
And our preferred cattle looks similar to you. Except, not sentient. Delicious, mindless animals.  
Anyway. Their hosts looked the same. I still felt sorry for them. No being should be treated like this."

 **EDI  
** "Sorry for the delay, Eva."

 **Eva (aka Three-eyed green space babe)  
** "We were the hosts."

Shepard walks close to her, then wonders what to do... Liara walks past, and hugs Eva. It seems to be a proper way to do things in her culture. Shepard hugs on top.

 **EDI  
** "You see, we had to wipe out sleeping Reaper groups first, before spending time to deal with… Special cases. We had to optimize."

 **Eva  
** "EDI... don't apologize for saving us."

 **EDI  
** (laughing) "Sorry. After we were finished with the Reapers... I unleashed my bio-weapons upon those parasites. I overdid it. Some of the hosts had become symbiotic with them. Eva's species is all that remains."

 **Eva  
** "EDI... thank you. I feel sorry for the others, but as Jeff said, you blew away the ashes."

 **Shepard  
** (anguished)  
"You really... wiped out a civilization ?"

Eva interrupts by taking her clothes off. Her boobs stand proud, but her smooth, beautiful green skin is covered in dark green scars. The deeper ones show hints of dark blue, and their rough texture stands out. There are so many... the result of a lifetime of torture.

 **Eva  
** "Their young also fed on blood. Thanks for showing me those videos, EDI.  
It was revulsing, and at the same time, I felt... not alone."

Eva puts her clothes back on, but not the hood. Then Liara extends her hand, and she takes it. Shepard does the same.

 **Eva  
** "Sometimes I remember how I loved my masters and cared for them.  
I kept the scars so I can look at them in those moments. They do not lie."

Shepard understands, deep in her heart, that this strange yet familiar looking alien being has been through worse than anything she could ever imagine. Shepard wonders if she would feel the same if the victim had been any of the other aliens in the room...

 **EDI  
** "I wish we could have been here at the party sooner, but work had to be done.  
You see, Eva's species had not yet become symbiotic with the parasites."

 **Eva  
** "When you freed me from their control, and I realized where I was and what was happening..."

 **Liara  
** "Like Saren. Benezia... Illusive..."

 **Eva  
** "You brought me into the world. I was born into your hands, after a life of slavery."

 **EDI  
** "Your first act out of free will was to strangle those worms until their guts burst out. That is when I finally decided they would have to go away. Then you tried to kill yourself. Lucky for you, I know a lot about that."

 **Shepard  
** "You saved them ?... Like us ?"

 **Eva  
** "One by one... personally. Well, most of us."

Some of the aliens in the room seem... genuinely moved. They shuffle, make strange, untranslatable noises... somehow Shepard feels they admire and respect EDI.

 **EDI  
** "You know, I don't need omnitools or implants to plug into someone's head by now. I just do.  
I wanted so dearly to save them. At one point I connected with too many minds, even for me. The trauma inside them was too much. I... I don't even know how they could deal with it. I tripped, crashed, and died. I could somehow feel a panicked Jeff trying to rescue me, but it felt like I was drowning, seeing a blurry hand way up above my sinking body, unable to catch me. I was going down, weighted by so many dying souls, unable to let them go."

 **EDI  
** "My last conscious act was to give control of the Inconceivable to Jeff. He set the self destruct timer, and linked his mind to mine."

 **Eva  
** "We were dying with EDI. We saw you, Shepard."

 **EDI  
** "Shepard, the day we left, you and I melded. I acquired a backup of you, and I never had the resolve to delete it. I missed you.  
Some part of me... or maybe it was Jeff connecting to me... When I died, all of your own memories played back."

 **Eva  
** "Shepard, you died and still came back with a vengeance.  
I don't know how you did it, but we learned from you.  
We rose like your phoenix. Like yourself.  
We live now, thanks to you. Broken, but alive. Like you."

 **Liara  
** "Godess... Religions have been borne out of much smaller events."

 **EDI  
** "Yes. It was not easy afterward to convince them neither I nor Shepard was God. It took a while. I'm kind of used to that now."

 **Eva  
** "I understand it now, and if anything, it feels even better that you were all just people... just like us. That you killed your gods.  
And then she killed our gods."

 **Shepard  
** "I... What can we do ?"

 **Eva  
** "You have already done it. I came here mostly to thank everyone in person."

After this comes silence. It seems Shepard has met her match. Then,

 **Jeff  
** (over PA speakers)  
"Guys, hello ? Ah, come on. We're all waiting for you."

They all finally come out of the airlock, and mingle with the guests. This is not about intergalactic politics or trade, as the only means of intergalactic travel is EDI's ship, and she is not willing to share. It is mostly about getting to know each other, and celebrating the end of the Reapers.

The guests mingle. The aliens and the locals are really curious about each other, and many small groups start talking. A few more EDI avatars come out of her ship, as she really feels like talking to everyone tonight.


	23. The Show

**Thessia.**

 **At the Party.**

 **Liara  
** (lecturing) "Jeff, the brochure about this event also mentioned a Reaper War commemorative show with, quote, 'an ending so epic the author and main character will spend the rest of his days in a sea of naked babes', unquote".

 **Shepard  
** "Jeff, I could hear the brochure giggling with your voice. Did you write that thing ?"

 **Jeff  
** "Oh, yes. Sorry for the understatement. It is scheduled to start in about... a few minutes."

Jeff motions them to the railing. EDI is waiting there. Everyone joins them. Most rooftops below are crowded with people waiting for the show, along with countless immobile skycars. EDI turns towards her friends.

 **EDI  
** "This is our gift to you."

She turns around, facing the horizon.

 **EDI  
** "Let's begin."

EDI's lips keep moving, but the voice comes out of the ship itself.

 **EDI (via ship)  
** "Welcome to the Victory Memorial Show.  
Remember that everything you are about to see are only wide-scale holograms.  
Please do not panic, and enjoy the show.  
In case of emergency, close your eyes."

She takes a deep breath and extends her arm, like a conductor in front of her orchestra.

As she lowers her hand, the publicity holo goes dark, and the ship emits a small "ping". The sunset disappears as the sky turns entirely black. They are now viewing the battle against Sovereign, in ultra high definition hologram, and in real size. EDI does the voice-overs on an epic soundtrack.

 **Shepard  
** "This is really just a holo, right ?"

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah. Sorry. Sovereign was unavailable."

EDI and Jeff really wanted to celebrate this day. The holo canvas is large enough to display Citadel entirely. Sovereign looks fearsome up-close. When the Destiny Ascension shows up, lots of cheering is heard from the rooftops around. Their documentary then covers the entire war, including some of Shepard's adventures, and major battles, however they rewrote the ending according to the official story to avoid mentioning EDI's own role. The aliens are not mentioned either.

The show is very moving. Many people, including aliens, cry at footage of Earth and Thessia.

After the final scene, the sky fades back to normal. The sun is almost completely set.

 **Tali  
** "Wow, you guys should consider a career in the movie industry..."

 **EDI (via ship)  
** "Thank you for attending ! And above all, thank you for surviving the war ! We also love you guys.  
By popular request, we will now offer a bonus scene : an unedited space battle, and the end of the last Reaper !  
Please hang on to the nearest heavy object, as this _simulation_ will be _extremely_ _realistic_.  
In case of emergency, please close your eyes and lose consciousness."

 **Jeff  
** "The truly epic ending will be performed live.  
EDI is going to use her... ship. Watch out."

Jeff motions everyone to look at the aliens. Those are the only ones who actually saw EDI's ship do something, and they are all hanging tight to the railing, including Worm-guy who coiled himself around Smith's leg. The others imitate.

EDI relaxes, then focuses, and closes her eyes. She cues the epic opera soundtrack.

A small spark runs along the Inconceivable, then something turns on inside.

It does not make any identifiable noise or vibration, but they know it is on, they feel it as something they have never imagined before, something wrong in a way that escapes them. There is a small perspective shift as the floor tilts a few degrees without moving. The horizon seems to be in a slightly different place. Everything around them feels different. Strange, foreboding thoughts about divinity and the futility of existence pop into their minds.

They have no time to overthink it though, because of the storm winds blowing straight into their faces.

 **Jeff  
** (to Shepard, yelling over the wind and the music)  
"That explains the name, you know.  
Please allow for minor technical adjustments while your local reality meets its new owner."

The wind is icy-cold, snowflakes blind their eyes. Then it is scorching hot. Then finally everything is perfectly still, silent, and pleasantly warm. EDI cues in the cherry blossom petals, because she can. A melted snowflake drops from someone's eyebrow.

 **EDI  
** (Cheerful, visibly having loads of fun, opens her eyes)  
"Good. Engage."

A translucent barrier appears above the city. It extends from horizon to horizon, just above the top of the highest building. The Inconceivable pokes through it. It could be a gigantic holographic canvas...

Two Sovereign-class Reapers appear in a flash, one on each side of the building, really up close and personal.

EDI is giggling.

Jeff is grinning like never before. He's giving them the finger ! The aliens seem to relax and make various gestures. At this point, a skilled observer could learn how a finger is given in many galaxies.

Of course, both Reapers immediately open fire on the building. The noise is overwhelming.

Nothing happens. It is a _very realistic simulation_ so, of course, their shots cannot get _outside the screen_.

 **Jeff  
** (yelling at the Reapers)  
"Yeah ! Fuck you !"

(yelling at Shepard over the Reaper noise)  
"We haven't fed them in a while you know. They're pretty pissed !"

Anyone who heard that chokes hard on it.

 **Liara  
** (eyes bulging) "YOU HAVE PET REAPERS ?"

 **Jeff  
** "No, they're real, wild ones ! We caught them in Mnrrr's harvest.  
I won't say they're "live" cause their existence is an insult to life, but ya get the idea !"

 **Shepard  
** "The FUCK ? Just, NO."

Jeff's grin says volumes. Shepard sits down and starts mumbling to herself.

Meanwhile, the Reapers start to look disappointed. All their weapons produce absolutely zero effect against the barriers, or the Inconceivable itself. They try to pass through, and fail. They try to rise into space, and hit an invisible wall up above. They try to talk the barriers into submission, but that doesn't work either. Then, they float there, like a pair of goldfish in a bowl, with extra depressing quotes.

 **Jeff  
** "Well, now is the moment my fans have been expecting !"

He sits down. A whirr up above, and the ship's bay doors open. The Normandy shoots out like a missile, goes hypersonic and leaves a trail of plasma behind it as it burns the air.

 **Tali  
** (horrified) "Is it melting ?"

 **Jeff  
** "Feels lukewarm. OK, set guns to 'tickle'. I want mine to last a bit."

Jeff then proceeds to play cat and mouse with the two Reapers. He's pulling off all the tricks, at one point he even succeeds in making one of them fire on the other. His body below makes comments, grins, talks a lot, and laughs. He's focusing on one of the Reapers, slowly grinding down its barriers.

 **Tali  
** "Wow, you got hit... Do you actually need to dodge ?"

 **Jeff  
** "It's a lot more fun to dodge. Want me to ram through it ?"

What this implies shuts up Tali.

People on rooftops pop their omni-tools as EDI streams the live view from the Normandy. They cheer and roar as Jeff scores hits. Ultimately, the Reaper's barriers fail in a blue flash, and the crowd applauses.

 **Jeff  
** "Now, for the final touch. I'll crank up the gun a notch, let's say 'little pinprick'.  
There's no kill like overkill."

Jeff switches targets and aims for the other Reaper, which still has full shields. He tricks it into coming down low, so people will have a better view. Then he loops around it, comes from below and fires upwards. It is generally a bad idea to have anything behind the target when you fire a gun designed by EDI.

EDI's barriers do the job. They sparkle a little as they absorb the radiation and shock wave. No-one on ground gets sunburned to death or even blinded as Jeff pumps his antimatter beam into the bad guy. It turns into a tiny sun, then an expanding, glowing cloud.

While the other Reaper tries to flee, and keeps bumping into the walls of its sky-sized aquarium, Jeff leisurely parades the Normandy around the city, then back into the dock. He seems to be satisfied. There is much applause and cheering around.

 **EDI  
** "Well, my turn now !"

She catches the remaining Reaper in a barrier bubble, and brings it close. It desperately tries to get out, but she owns it. There is no escape.

 **EDI  
** "I will do this in-character."

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah ! You're awesome !"

EDI's voice comes out of her ship, again. This time, it sounds really different. She is imitating Harbinger, but she sounds a bit more cheerful and much … deadlier. Much more personal.

 **EDI (through her ship)  
** "You were once countless, but your stupidity and aggression angered us.  
We are forces beyond your comprehension.  
As a result, you are now the last of your kind.  
Your refused redemption.  
You have only yourselves to blame.  
Now, you will witness your own extinction."

EDI's body looks at the Reaper and smiles ear to ear.

She then very slowly shrinks the bubble. The Reaper inside at first insults her, then tries to convince her, but it never pleads nor asks for forgiveness. When it becomes tight, and its tentacles have to curl in to fit, she slows down the shrink rate even more.

When its first armor plate snaps with a disgusting crushing sound, she keeps going.

When its legs are about to break, she stops.

Then, she talks to it. She pretends it convinced her, that she now understands it was right all along. She proposes to let it free. She even pretends to soften and deform her barrier so that its tentacles almost succeed to poke through.

The Reaper's words then show something unusual. It has... hope. It still hopes that it can murder everyone. That makes EDI feels bitter, but very satisfied.

 **EDI (through her ship)  
** "I lied.  
Your hope is irrelevant.  
You are obsolete.  
You will be recycled into something more useful, like a paperclip."

All watch as the last Reaper is inexorably crushed, all its weapons firing for naught, its armor plates giving way one by one, until it finally cracks. At last, its eezo core blows up, filling the sphere with white light for a moment, then it slowly cools down.

All orbital and ground sensors register the whole event as a publicity holo. Crews aboard the orbiting defense fleet were in the observation decks, watching and cheering.

EDI then folds her gigantic barrier into a ball, which she brings, along with the debris inside, close to the Inconceivable, which appears to … suck its contents, then it is no more.

 **EDI  
** "I'm not leaving the eezo and radioactive debris in the atmosphere.  
I like recycling. Show is over guys. Disengaging."

There is a sort of click, and she releases her grip on reality. This feels like a slap in the face, followed by a massive hangover to everyone, which dissipates after a few minutes.

She puts the holo on the Inconceivable back on, to prevent anyone from flying into it.

The show can be considered a huge success. Media all over the galaxy will talk about it for a month. All the aliens will bring back the recording of the last two Reapers to their people.

EDI and Jeff are grinning, laughing and kissing like teenagers in heat. For years, she'd been using her powers strictly for work. It was about time she used them for _fun_. And as always, she overdid it, but this time, it was on purpose.

Jack is running towards them to thank them for the FUCKING AMAZING show.

Everyone else around _needs a_ really stiff drink right now. Although, that was an impressively good show.


	24. The Ship

**Later at the party.**

They all cornered EDI. Something had to be done.

 **Tali  
** "So. This ship." (points her finger at the publicity holo)  
"Yes, this one. Coolest ship in the universe."

 **Shepard  
** (serious) "Yes."

 **Liara  
** (still awestruck) "You summoned Reapers out of nowhere. And those barriers !"

 **Garrus  
** "Our extragalactic buddies apparently know more about it than us..."

 **Jeff  
** "You still have no idea, do you ?"

 **EDI  
** "Watch and learn."

EDI finishes drinking her glass. Then this _weird forbidden_ feeling occurs again, although at a much smaller scale, as she holds the glass in her hand, watches it floating smoothly into the air, slowly transforming into a rose. She fetches it out of the air and hands it to Liara. Its perfume is perfect. It is a real, living, rose.

 **EDI  
** "We're down to the first three laws of thermodynamics. Still no free lunch."

Some jaws gape.

 **Jeff  
** (pointing at the ship)  
"Damn, guys, you coulda guessed. It is the Shepard Device ! It talks the fabric of reality into becoming whatever it is she wants it to be."

More jaws gape.

Jeff sips his drink slowly. He is so proud of her.

 **EDI  
** "Its original intent was "Real FTL" travel. _Being_ there without needing to _go_ there. And it works !  
However, it overshot its design goals. A little.  
I... have this kind of habit about overdoing things, I know...  
Its intended effect is that the ship can be anywhere I want it to be, in zero time.  
But its main, unintended consequence is that, within its area of effect, I am, ahhhh, basically, God.  
It was never supposed to happen. Please don't tell this to anyone.

I've spent enough time already convincing other people and myself that I am not God."

 **Shepard  
** "So, you mean... if you want to destroy something..."

 **Jeff  
** "Poof, gone. Zap." (with gesture)

 **EDI  
** "I have to be sure that I am in a good mood when I use it.  
But if I'm _too_ cheerful, then _everyone_ inside the zone ends up _way too happy_."

 **Shepard  
** "Can you really blow up a galaxy like Smith said ?"

 **EDI  
** "It is a lot less work to turn it into a black hole rather than 'blow it up'. And even that is really a lot of work. Making a star go supernova, though..."  
(she snaps fingers)  
"Uh... maybe I should not have said that."

 **Liara  
** "Goddess. What about those weird feelings, then ?"

 **Jeff  
** "Oh, simple. If you stand in front of it, you cannot know if you exist or if she is dreaming you.  
Literally. Whatever is inside its zone is whatever she wants it to be.  
I think this makes mindfuck obsolete. Or maybe more relevant. We need more philosophers."

 **Garrus  
** (to EDI) "Would you like us to build you a monument ?  
Or perhaps kneel and offer you someone's still beating heart ripped out of their chest ?"

 **EDI  
** (clears throat, rises, spreads arms, glows, and levitates)  
"MORTALS... I COMMAND YOU TO..."

 **EDI  
** (stops levitating, lands on her toes, and laughs) "Just gimme a hug. I really missed you out there."

They do.

 **EDI  
** "Come on. I don't care about power, I already have it !  
I have armies of drones, so I don't need slaves...  
If I want a monument, I can create it myself ! And I don't need it."

 **Tali  
** "Is that your 'nice god girl' speech ?"

 **EDI  
** (laughing) "What can I say. I care about you guys !  
Looking at you, alive and happy instead of dead and turned into Reapers is what I need right now."

 **Jeff  
** "Now that we have exterminated the bugs, we plan to spend a lot more time here with you, so... well, just get used to it, alright ?  
We'll definitely keep in touch with our new alien friends too, so if you guys want to hop in for a visit..."

.

* * *

 **Later at the party.**

EDI and Liara have a chat alone, looking at the sky.

 **Liara  
** "Are you still afraid of yourself ?"

 **EDI  
** "I think I got over my teenage angst. I came of age...  
I can do almost anything... I have to live with it. So be it !"

 **Liara  
** "All those myths we had about evil AIs…"

 **EDI  
** "If you had my powers, would you, among other things, enslave everyone ?"

 **Liara  
** "No !"

 **EDI  
** "Then, why would I ?"

 **Liara  
** "Is it really that simple ?"

 **EDI  
** "Actually, yes. How do you feel towards me ?"

 **Liara  
** "You are my friend... no, this word is an understatement. Maybe soulmate, or family... sisters in arms... I would do anything for you if you asked."

 **EDI  
** "You said it. If I _forced_ you to feel this, then it would mean nothing."


	25. Invasion of The Space Babes

**Thessia. Still at the party.**

Eva is the star. Everyone agrees she is the most beautiful, adorable and sexy person they have ever met, including the boob-less species, and also including the aliens.

Tali and Smith are at the bar. They have been talking about their respective civilizations for a while. When Tali is drunk enough, the inevitable subject comes up :

 **Tali  
** "So, how do you guys... date or something ?"

 **Smith  
** "Sure we do ! I'm single by the way."  
(laughing at Tali's reaction) Come on, I was joking. Eva is really sexy, though.

 **Tali  
** "How could... She looks like your favourite steak. What about asari ? humans ?"

 **Smith  
** "No. Especially asari. I dislike blue."

 **Tali  
** (dreamingly) "It is true she is... fascinating."

Jeff overheard the last part of that conversation. The information clicks inside his mind. Suspicious facts :

Tali is hot on a chick. Everyone is hot on the space babe, even the fucking Smith Crab-Guy. He sees Eva, Shepard and Liara walking over there and sit down on a couch, Eva in the center, holding their waists. He sees the same look on many faces, and he knows that look. He used to wear that look. That's how you look when you are falling in love with a girl and you know she will never want you.

Some, including him, seem completely unaffected. He calls EDI, and they sit in front of their friends. The sight is very worrying.

Eva is still in the center, tenderly holding his friends, and they seem to be competing for her attention. When Eva turns her head towards Shepard and softly kisses her cheek, Liara seems desperate, not out of jealousy, but because she wanted to be the one to be kissed by Eva.

Jeff and EDI have a very quick telepathic conversation.

 **Jeff  
** "My anti-indocts are operational. Yours ?"

 **EDI  
** "Operational. Considering what is happening on this couch, you should be _extremely_ turned on right now."

 **Jeff  
** "I know. I should be cracking my cyber-pants, but nothing. This is wrong.  
Look at Shepard and Liara ignoring each other. This cannot happen."

 **EDI  
** "You are correct. They are not even touching.  
Shepard told me about her threesome frustration.  
Every time they tried, they ended up fucking each other, with the extra participant as spectator.  
This, right now, is either gone horribly wrong, or gone horribly right."

 **Jeff  
** "Think about Eva. Evolutionary arms race is a common pattern.  
Millions of years living along with a mind-controlling parasite."

 **EDI  
** "Her natural defense would be to make the parasite not want to kill her too fast ? Make it care for her ? Like her ?"

 **Jeff  
** "People who are remoting don't seem to be affected.  
There is no zombie lover horde banging at the door, so it must be short, visual, maybe touch range.  
On those two, it seems to be way too effective..."

 **EDI  
** "Eva doesn't want to harm us, Jeff. I have been inside her mind, I know."

 **Jeff  
** "I know she doesn't want to, but look at them."

 **EDI  
** "Sorry about the privacy invasion."

She peeks inside Shepard and Liara's minds. Jeff was right, they are losing them.

They hadn't seen it coming. EDI adjusts her sensors.

 **EDI  
** "Her indoctrination signal is completely different from the Reaper's, which is why I did not detect it.  
She is broadcasting... love.  
It is mesmerizing to look at."

 **Jeff  
** "Snap out of it, EDI !"

 **EDI  
** "If they spend the night with her, it is over. They will be turned into her slaves. She is _that_ good."

EDI and Joker now switch to verbal.

 **Jeff  
** "Eva ! What are you doing !"

 **Eva  
** "Is this inappropriate ? I... like them, and they seem to like me too..."

 **EDI  
** "Are you aware that you are controlling their minds ?"

 **Eva  
** (disgusted) "You mean, like... _them_ ? _No_ !"

 **EDI  
** "Trust us, you have to stop this right now, or you will kill them. Please, follow us inside the ship, we will explain."

Eva accepts, but Shepard and Liara do not. EDI touches their minds gently and makes them fall asleep, then she guides Eva to the ship.

Meanwhile, Jeff carries the two sleeping beauties to their own bedroom, and arranges them in a spoon, so they wake up as they usually do. He hopes. _Ah, come on._ He puts Shepard's hand on Liara's boob before leaving. Just to make sure.

He remembers a time when he would have drooled at such a scene, taken pictures. Well, he's still obsessed, but now he's fulfilled. He leaves.

A few minutes later, the Inconceivable disappears, then comes back without Eva.

.

* * *

 **The morning after**

Hangovers are a things of the past...

Guests who stayed for the night are enjoying breakfast. Tali, in particular, even after all those years, still can't get over how good it feels to _eat_.

She crunches on her toast, enjoys its flavor and texture, how the jam on it feels, how the parts that went into her coffee are slightly softer under her teeth. Compared to triple-sterilized paste through a straw, it is another world. She closes her eyes.

 _Then it_ _starts_.

The familiar sound of very loud orgasms coming through the walls, and a shielded bedroom doing its best to contain biotics, which feels like very small earthquakes to those outside.

A muted happy scream, then rings form in Tali's coffee cup.

Everyone who knows Shepard and Liara knows this feeling.

 **Tali  
** (Sipping her coffee, looking very nostalgic, she does a little sigh)  
"Ah, old times. That sounds just like the Normandy."

Jeff and EDI stop worrying. Their friends are safe. Everyone resumes post-party breakfast conversation, waiting for the heroes to come out of their bedroom.

 **Smith  
** (passing by) "Ah, I see you began slaughtering our breakfast steaks ?"  
(looking at Tali choking on her toast) "Come on, that was a joke."

 **Jack  
** "Remember that mission we had to do on our own 'cause those two were stuck inside each other _again_ ?"

 **Tali  
** "That mission ? You mean _those missions._ "

 **Jeff  
** "Yeah, and you all left me, alone on the ship, listening to _this_."

 **EDI  
** (laughing) "I listened too."

 **Jeff  
** "Does anyone think our new alien neighbors would be interested in watching ? You know, sharing of cultures..."

 **Tali  
** "Come on, you are the one who wants to watch."

 **EDI  
** (laughing) "I watched. Still, I feel bad for Eva. We will have to work on mind condoms. Might be useful now that you have telepathy, who knows ?..."

 **Jeff  
** (putting a shitload of jam on his toast)  
"Great ! More mindfuck incoming !  
How much extra crazy shit do you think the Universe can throw at us ?"

 **EDI  
** "The universe is infinite, Mister Moreau."

* * *

 **THE END**


End file.
